A 70-year-old man goes to the doctors for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God? And the man says, Oh me and God? Were tight. We have a real bond, hes good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off. Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.He called the mans wife and said, Id like to speak to you about your husbands connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true? And she says, That idiot, hes been peeing in the refrigerator!

Q. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?

A. They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy
husband finally confronted her.

Admit it, Linda, he said, The only reason you married me is because
my grandfather left me $10 million.

Dont be ridiculous! she shot back. I dont care who left it to
you.

Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, Sweetheart, youre gonna get hair on your Twinkie.
She says, Yes, I know, and Im gonna get boobs too.

Why is the word abbreviate so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for thesaurus?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, Doc, Im constipated. The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, Lean over the table.



The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, Doc, I feel great. What should I do?



The doctor says, Stop wiping with cement bags.

You are so cheap . . .

When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell, ding dong!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oliver!
Oliver who?
Oliver troubles are over!