Why is the word abbreviate so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for thesaurus?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, Doc, Im constipated. The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, Lean over the table.
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, Doc, I feel great. What should I do?
The doctor says, Stop wiping with cement bags.
You are so cheap . . .
When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell, ding dong!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oliver!
Oliver who?
Oliver troubles are over!
Q: Why do they say Amen at the end of a prayer instead of Awomen?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Q: Why didnt Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didnt want any advice.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin Catholic!
Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle!
Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I dont have to pay you!
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldnt ask for directions!
There were two rumates and the one that slept ontop brung his girlfriend and he told her when they have sex for his room mate wont here if it herts say bread if you want me to go fast say Lettuce and if you want me to go slow say tomatoes.Then the next day when they woke up his room mate says your awake?they said yeswell then u better stop making sandwiches at night cause you got mainaise in my mouth and eyes.
A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who landed in the water first? The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young mans talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.
The director asked the young man his name.
Penis van Lesbian, the man replied proudly.
Well, said the director, well have to change that.
Oh, the young man said, I could never change my name. Its my heritage.
Well, said the director, if youre not willing to change your name, youll never go anywhere in show business.
The young man left the theater dejectedly.
A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.
Do you remember me, asked the young man?
Yes, I do, said the director. I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.
Well, I finally took your advice, the young man said. I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.
I told you so, the director replied. And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?
Dick van Dyke.