Old and New Jokes

Reading jerry298s story about the life-raft in the VW inspired me to write
down an incident that happened to me about 10 years ago. Like Jerry, it
took me about 5 years to see the humor in it.

About 10 years ago, I bought a used van to drive back and forth to my cottage
on weekends. It had previously been owned by a company called Canada Dredge
and Dock. This gave it some notoriety since they were at the time involved
in a big local political scandal involving rigged bidding on dredging
contracts.

One weekend at the cottage I was giving it a good cleaning out
when I discovered a red cylinder labeled Emergency Flare in one of the door
pockets. I thought Well, thats not a bad thing to have in the car. and
left it there. Sure enough, on the way home that weekend, we had a flat tire.
I should say that our cottage is in the middle of a very popular vacation
area north of Toronto, and the weekend in question was the combined Canadian
July 1st and American July 4th holiday weekend. So the entire world was
headed home on the same road.

I got out to change the tire and my
brother-in-law said, Have you got an emergency flare in the van? I told
him about the one I had found and he ran down the road a few hundred feet to
set it up. I was under the van setting up the jack when I heard a loud pop.
I looked out to see Ron running towards me yelling, Its a marine flare.

Thats right, Canada Dredge and Dock, being a largely marine based company, had
left a marine emergency flare in their truck. In case anybody doesnt know,
a marine flare is like a very powerful roman candle, shooting balls of light
hundreds of feet up in the air so that drowning sailors will be seen by passing
ships. They are NOT intended to be set off late at night on a busy highway.

The first ball had missed Rons face by about 2 inches and the force had
tipped the flare over onto the little mound that he had made to hold it in
place. Now, as each ball came shooting out, the force would spin the flare
on the little mound, so that no two went in the same direction. One of them
shot right at us and passed between us as we stood no more than 5 feet apart.
One of them shot back up the road at 3 lanes of oncoming traffic. One of them
shot up into a farmers field and started a small fire. Neither of us was
about to go back and try to pick it up. Finally after about 7 or 8 shots,
it stopped.

Amazingly, the shots that went up the highway came between platoons
of traffic so nobody was hit, nobody even went off the road. Ron went and
put out the fire, I changed the tire, and we drove to the nearest pull-off and
sat there shaking for half an hour.

so a cop stops three kids and he says ur dicks have to equal 21 inches and so thee first guy pulls it out it was 10 inchs the seconded guy pulls hid out it was 10 the last guy pulls his out it was one the cop says good to go ……….as the where walking home the guy gose ur luck i had a boner

You take away the r

I had a near death experience yesterday afternoon that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things couldnt possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrups…



When this happened I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.



Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart Manager came out and unplugged it!

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, Mummy, why is my name Petal? the mother replied Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, Mummy why is my name Rose? She replied, Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head. The last baby walked up to her and said BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, Shut up Fridge.

A Brooklyn woman wishes to get a tatoo and ask the tech to tatoo pictures of Roberto Duran the inner portion of her thigh near her crotch. She also ask that on the other leg, the tech tatoo the picture of Oscar De La Hoya; and adds when I rub my thighs togetha they can fight over whats in between. After the tatoo tech finishes his job he ask her for $100 bucks. She looks at the tatoos and says, this does not look like Duran and that does not look like De La Hoya! She refuses to pay him. He takes her to small claims court. On the court date, the judge ask to look at the evidence. Because of the tatoos are in such a private area, he calls the woman into his chambers. She shows the judge her tatoos and the judge says, you know, this does not look anything at all like Duran, and that looks nothing at all like De la Hoya, but the one in the middle is without question, Don King!

My first submission since the net.jokes days … 1984?
Please feel free to substitute your own stereotypes.

An Englishman and a Texan are at lunch, in England.

The Texan says, In Texas, we grow potatoes eight inches across!

The Englishman says, In England, we grow them to fit English mouths.

For the benefit of those unfamiliar with livestock, there is an easy way to tell the difference between a cow and a bull.

The bull is the one with a smile on his face after you milk him.

Lyles Joke Boutique.

Yet Another Bumper Sticker:

Men think they rule the world,
but can they fake orgasm?

Heard from a co-worker:

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are.

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg