A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled, This is great! Will I meet her at a party?

No, says his Advisor, in her biology class.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom. He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to
whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty!The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.The jury foreman replied: Oh, we did look … but your client didnt.

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.The player said, When I get bad cards, its not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?The dealer said, When you eat out do you tip the waiter?Yes.Well he serves you food, Im serving you cards, so you should tip me.Okay, but the waiter gives me what I ask for. Ill take an eight.

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but itll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Little Johnny is in class and the teacher is at the chalk board. She turns to the class after putting the letter S on the board. Ok class, I would like someone to give me a word that starts with the letter S. Johnny raises his hand and says Me me me me.

The teacher says to herself no way. hes so fouled mouth he will say shit or something.

So she calls on Suzzy. Suzzy says Sunflower.

Very good Suzzy. Then she outs the letter f up on the board little Johnny wonce again is saying ME me me. She says Franklin give me a letter thats starts with the letter F.

Franklin says funny teacher.

Very good Franklin.

This went on for most of the class. Finally she put the letter R up on the board. Johnny sat scratching his head like he was thinking real hard. She thought alright I got him.

Johnny can you give me a word that starts with the letter R?. Yes. Johnny says.

Rats. teacher.

Very good Johnny.

Then he said big fucking rats three foot long with sixteen in harry dicks.

The teacher faintede.

¿Cuál es el nuevo eslogan de American Airlines?

Lo llevamos hasta su oficina.

¿Por qué son famosas las fiestas neoyorquinas?

Porque tienen un ambiente explosivo.

¿Qué fue lo último que pasó por la cabeza de Mr. Johnson en el piso 90?

El piso 91.

Hay un nuevo postulado en las matemáticas de EE.UU.:

¿Cuántos lados tiene un Pentágono?

R= Cuatro.

Es un pájaro. No, es un avión. No… ¡Ah, mierda, sí… es un avión!

¿Por qué Superman no detuvo a los aviones antes de que se estrellaran contra las Torres Gemelas?

Porque está cuadrapléjico.

The priest was preparing a man for his long days journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?

The dying man said, Until I know where Im heading, I dont think I ought to aggravate anybody.

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

31. Watch the professor through binoculars.

32. Start a wave in a large lecture hall.

33. Ask to introduce your invisible friend in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream AAAGH! MY EYES!

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even its Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36. Sit in the front row reading the professors graduate thesis and snickering.

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professors reply and proceed to do so anyway.

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream IMPOSTER!

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, Ill prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if Im home, said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, See That guy was really stupid

No kidding, replied George W. There was a pay phone just around the corner…
You could have called instead?