Old and New Jokes

¿Cuál es el nuevo eslogan de American Airlines?

Lo llevamos hasta su oficina.

¿Por qué son famosas las fiestas neoyorquinas?

Porque tienen un ambiente explosivo.

¿Qué fue lo último que pasó por la cabeza de Mr. Johnson en el piso 90?

El piso 91.

Hay un nuevo postulado en las matemáticas de EE.UU.:

¿Cuántos lados tiene un Pentágono?

R= Cuatro.

Es un pájaro. No, es un avión. No… ¡Ah, mierda, sí… es un avión!

¿Por qué Superman no detuvo a los aviones antes de que se estrellaran contra las Torres Gemelas?

Porque está cuadrapléjico.

The priest was preparing a man for his long days journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?

The dying man said, Until I know where Im heading, I dont think I ought to aggravate anybody.

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

31. Watch the professor through binoculars.

32. Start a wave in a large lecture hall.

33. Ask to introduce your invisible friend in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream AAAGH! MY EYES!

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even its Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36. Sit in the front row reading the professors graduate thesis and snickering.

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professors reply and proceed to do so anyway.

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream IMPOSTER!

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, Ill prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if Im home, said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, See That guy was really stupid

No kidding, replied George W. There was a pay phone just around the corner…
You could have called instead?

Yo mama so little when she jumped off the curve the police said no bungy jumping.

Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:

If this car was a woman, shed get pinched in the butt.

Underneath which a graffiti read:

If this woman was a car, shed run you over.

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says, Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!

The reporter figured he cant write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, Well, one time my neighbors wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbors wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldnt write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said –

Well, one time I was lost …

Weve all been interviewed for jobs. And, weve all spent
most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Dont
bite your nails. Dont fidget. Dont interrupt. Dont belch.
If we did any of the donts, we knew wed disqualify
ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light
years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of
100 major American corporations and asked for stories of
unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. … stretched out on the floor to fill out the job
application.
2. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and
the music at the same time.
3. A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to
office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
4. … asked to see interviewers resume to see if the
personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
5. … announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office –
wiping the ketchup on her sleeve
6. Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
forearm.
7. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on
answering specific interview questions.
8. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and
started tap dancing around my office.
9 . At the end of the interview, while I stood there
dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed
his hair, and left.
10. … pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash
picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who
interviewed him.
11. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too
much.
12. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant
took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos
only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
13. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from th

Howard Deans wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied Read my lips. No more Bush