Old and New Jokes

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

Q: What do you call a pig with skin problems?

A: A warthog

If you can read this,


Than I can step on my brakes,


And I can sue you!

Your mommas so bald headed, she curls her hair with rice.

A man walked into a Wendys with his ostrich and ordered a combo #3 and the woman behind the counter asked Well what about your ostrich?

The man said oh, hell have a Pepsi



The woman said ok thatll be $7.81



The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly $7.81 in change.



The same thing happened 2 more times. Finially the woman asked How do you keep pulling out the exact right amount in change??



The man replied Well I was cleaning out my attic and i found a lamp i rubbed it and a Genie cam out and offered me 2 wishes and my first wish was to have all the money for everything i wanted. The woman said Ok and the ostrich??



The man said I wished for a chick with long legs.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vera!
Vera who?
Vera all the flowers gone…!

Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they
do nothing, they dont hurt anybody. When they do something is when they
become dangerous.

Birth Control Pills At 72?

An elderly woman went into the doctors office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, Id like to have some birth-control pills.

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youre 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded, They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued, How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said, Simple, I put them in my granddaughters orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.

A man, heavily drunk, went to church on a Sunday, few minutes before the mass began. The priest, who was standing outside the church, asked him, “Don’t you now that it is a sin to come to church after drinking alcohol?” The man replied coolly, “I know that, Father. I have come to confess, to purge my sins.”

A man was doing a study of childrens senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, What is the flavor, and what color is it? The children began to say, Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange.

Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but cant decipher the taste. Well, he said, Ill give you a clue. Its what your mother would call your father.

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: Everybody spit it out, theyre assholes!