Men are like….Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like….Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ….Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like….Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ….Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like….Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like….Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like….Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like….Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like….Commercials. You cant believe a word they say.

Men are like….Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like….Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like….Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like….Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, youre riding it.

Men are like….Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like….Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ….Snowstorms. You never know when hes coming, how many inches youll get or how long he will last.

What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? Artifical intelligence.

Bill Kirby of the Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga., passes this one
along:

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, Son, you
know Ive always been careful with what little money we had. I didnt
spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldnt even afford the license
to legally marry your Ma.

Pa! the young man stammered, do you know what that makes me?

Yep, said the old man fingering the $50, … and a cheap one, too.

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

DONT ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT! Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because they have blond boyfriends

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay.

No, Im not, the guy replies.

I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Well, asks the bartender, what did you say to your wife?

Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore.

Well, what did you say to your best friend?

BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the jacket and yells, Time for Super Sex!!!!!.

He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, Super Sex Super Sex Super Sex.

Finally, he replies, Ok, Ill take the soup.

4 KINDS OF SEX

HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, FUCK YOU

COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny youve got.

A blonde is taking a test for a job. The examiner asks some questions for general culture.

Do you know miss which is the boiling temperature of water?

I am not sure

Miss, either you know it or you dont know it

I am not sure

The boiling temperature of water is 100 degrees!

Mmmm. I see. Its the right angle that boils at 90 degrees!