Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred the needle if you sew!

Emersons Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halleys Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halleys Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halleys Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halleys comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.

Why dosent Mexico have an olimpic team?

Because anyone there who can jump, swim, or run would have already snuck into the United States.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word. Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?" The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it slow.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Q. What did Jesus say at the Last Supper?

A. If you boys want to get in the picture, sit on this side of the table.

There once was an explorer in a distant land who was granted an audience with the ruler of the kingdom. After being taken through a large, ornate castle, he was introduced to the king. The king was an impressive figure except for one unusual feature, his head was quite small, about the size of a small grapefruit. After talking with the king for some time, the explorer could not contain his curiosity any longer, and asked the king about the size of his head.

After a pause, the king explained that he had not always been a king, and had in fact, been a fisherman when much younger. One day, while out fishing, he had pulled in his net, and found a mermaid in the net.

From the waist up, the mermaid was a very beautiful woman, from the waist down, a fish. The fisherman was preparing to take the mermaid to market to sell as a curiosity, when the mermaid spoke, and told him that she was a magic mermaid.

The mermaid told the fisherman that if he would let her go, she would grant him three wishes. The fisherman agreed to this, and asked for gold, jewels, and other riches. Immediately, these appeared. Next, he asked to be made a king, and to have a kingdom to rule, with a fabulous castle. These appeared also.

The mermaid asked what his third wish was. Since he had been noticing how beautiful her woman half was, he said that he wanted to make love with her. To this, the mermaid replied that since she was only half woman, this was not possible. The fisherman then said Well in that case, can you give me a little head?

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes? St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since hes the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?
God answered, You are what you are. The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,
Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes…
What was the answer, St. Peter asked. Well I still dont know. All He said was: You are what you are. Well that answers it, Said St. Peter. Youre a white horse with black stripes. How do you know that? asked the zebra. Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: You is what you is.