Old and New Jokes

YOU KNOW YOUVE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER FOR TOO LONG…

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you go 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D….

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says If you dont turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for omitting the else clause.

You try to sleep, and think sleep (8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.

When after fooling around all day with routers etc., you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number and hummmmm to imitate a modem… and you succeed…

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal.

When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

Why did the skeleton Burp????Cause it didnt have the Guts to fart!!!!

Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky neglige whimpering Take me Paddy, take me now.

Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didnt have the faintest idea what to do next.

Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice.

Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget wees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.

Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready.

Bridget shouted, Yes, Yes, Im ready and then watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. Where the hell do you think youre going? he demands. Im going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. Where do you think you going? the wife asks. Im coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!

Ever notice that when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down? And what about cats? Cats always land on their feet, right? So, the question is, what would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped the cat from any local precipice? The results are obvious! The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. Thats right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cats limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some
time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the
physician called the fellow into his office and said, Well, Im not
exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but weve found a cure
for them: youll have to be castrated. The man, needless to say, was
taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear
the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the
poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. All right, I guess Ill
have the operation, he said. When it was all over, the man was
understandably depressed, and his physician told him, I recommend you
begin life anew–start over from this point.

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a mens shop for a
new set of clothes. The proprietor said, Starting with the suit,
looks like you take about a 38-regular. Thats right, exclaimed the
man, howd you know? Well, when youve been in the business
as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up,
replied the salesman. Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.
Right again, the man said. The proprietor suggested, And for
undershorts, Id say a size 36. Theres your first mistake, the
man said, Ive worn 34s for years. No, youre a size 36 if Ive
ever seen one, said the owner. The man replied, I ought to know
what size undershorts I wear, and Ill take 34. The owner replied
Well all right, if you insist, but theyre going to pinch your balls
and give you headaches!

Charlie Neil (chn@lanl.gov)
Los Alamos National Laboratory

Frightened of things that go bump in the night? Fearful of what tomorrow might bring?

Tremble no more! Apply now for your own personal Panic Button, giving you instant access to all the Mystical Beings of all universes AT THE MERE PRESS OF A BUTTON!

The LectroPrayer – is a highly sophisticated electronic tool which incorporates the latest in religio-scientific design.

Developed in a joint venture between the United Religions Organization and the Opportunistic Scientists.

Approved by the Permanently Paranoid, the Believers of Everything, the Mystics Association, the Pilgrims for Meaning and the New Age Mystics.

Voted as Best Money Making Scam of the Year by the Sales Representative Union.

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.

Me first! Me first! says the paralegal. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt.

Poof! Shes gone.

Me next! Me next! says the associate. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.

Poof! Hes gone.

Youre next, the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Llega un tipo al consultorio médico:

Doctor, doctor, vengo a que me examine el tobillo porque tengo un desgarre y me duele mucho.

Muy bien, quítese la ropa.

A mí me duele el tobillo, ¿por qué tengo que desvestirme?

¿Quién es el médico, usted o yo?

Usted, doctor, le contesta quitándose la ropa.

Ahora, quítese los calzoncillos.

Pero, doctor.

¿Quién es el médico, usted o yo?

Quitándose los calzoncillos:

Usted, doctor.

El galeno le pide al paciente:

Ahora, inclínese.

El enfermo se inclina y el facultativo le mete tremenda pija; el paciente pega tremendo grito y el profesional lo reprende:

Eso que acaba de sentir es un desgarre. Lo que usted tiene en el tobillo es un esguince.

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

A: Dam