It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. As the day draws
to a close, in a small synagogue in Vilna, the rabbi is praying
fervently. Oh, God, he says, I am nothing before you! The cantor
also says, Oh, God, I am nothing before you! Then the shammes,(*)
inspired by their piety, cries out, Oh, God, I am nothing before
you! The cantor raises his eyebrows, looks at the rabbi, and says,
Nu, look who thinks hes nothing!

(*)shammes: beadle, responsible for maintaining the synagogue, ushering, etc.
[Ed: Attributed to Arthur Naiman]

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens.
It opens at noon, answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker.

What time does the bar open? he asks.

Same time as before… Noon, replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?

The clerk then answers, It opens at noon, but if you cant wait, I can
have room service send something up to you.

Arre! No… I dont want to git in… Ah want to git OUT!!!

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.

He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!

But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: A child who doesnt eat right doesnt get toys!!!

I saw a notice on a bulletin board in Church one day. It read:

All girls who want to be Alter boys please see the Minister – Dr. Smith after last Mass today

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

Youre running around with other women, she charged.

Youre being unreasonable, Adam responded.

Youre the only woman on earth!

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

What do you think youre doing? Adam demanded.

Counting your ribs, said Eve!

Why do men like BMWs?

They can spell it.

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, thats probably how dogs spend most of their lives…

You might be a redneck… If your Uncle made your car tag.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to git that big ole coon.