Old and New Jokes

It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.

It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

(Q.)What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

(A.)They both can smell it but cant taste it.

Did you hear the one about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the worlds oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adams rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!The programmer simply smiled and said,
Where do you think the Chaos came from?

A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, Im here to donate some blood. Theyre going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, thats interesting. Im here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

Random Thoughts:

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it….

Cop : Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?

Blonde : Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.

Cop : Oh miss, thats not the speed limit, thats the name of the highway youre on!

Blonde : Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on.

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : Excuse me miss, whats wrong with your friends back there? Theyre shaking something awful.

Blonde : Oh… We just got off of highway 119.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently, Barbara returned to Kuwait and observed that the MEN now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the Kuwaiti women for an explanation.

This is marvelous, Barbara said. What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?

The Kuwaiti woman replied, Land mines.