A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, Im here to donate some blood. Theyre going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, thats interesting. Im here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

Random Thoughts:

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it….

Cop : Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?

Blonde : Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.

Cop : Oh miss, thats not the speed limit, thats the name of the highway youre on!

Blonde : Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on.

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : Excuse me miss, whats wrong with your friends back there? Theyre shaking something awful.

Blonde : Oh… We just got off of highway 119.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently, Barbara returned to Kuwait and observed that the MEN now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the Kuwaiti women for an explanation.

This is marvelous, Barbara said. What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?

The Kuwaiti woman replied, Land mines.

Some people may think this joke is only funny to senior citizens. I
think not. My parents heard it at an elder hostel in New Mexico this summer.

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so
they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come
home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the
garden.

Neighbor: Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory
course you liked so much?

Ed: Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute…

Whats the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so
nice, but has thorns on the stems…?

Neighbor: You mean a rose?

Ed: Yeah, thats it…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the
memory course instructors name?

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.
The clerk said, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?

The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.

Alright. How long do you need them?

The customer paused for a minute and said, Id better go check. After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, A long time. Were gonna build a house.

A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say Its because the watch is on your right hand.

The man puts the watch on his left hand and says Oh there we go!

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?

An accomplice.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?

A lawyer.