Old and New Jokes

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, & Jerry sanders (CEOs of Microsoft, Intel & AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise was suddenly emitted from where Bill was sitting.

Bill said : Oh! thats my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call.: So Bill lifted his wrist-watch to his ear and began talking into the end of his tie. Having completed the call, he noticed the others were staring at him. So Bill explained : Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can take a call anywhere. The others nodded, and the meeting continued.

5 min later, the discussion was again interrupted when this time round, from Andy started a beeping sound. Oh thats my emergency beeper he said. Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call. Andy tapped his earlobe and began talking into thin air. When he completed the call, he noticed the others staring at him and thus explained, I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is embedded in this fake tooth, isnt that neat?

The others nodded and the meeting continue. Later still, the discussion was again interrupted when Jerry emitted a thunderous fart. He looked up at the others staring at him and said, Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper….. Im receiving a FAX.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Asa!
Asa who!
Asa-int amongst men!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yolanda!
Yolanda who?
Yolanda me some money!

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasnt worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, I was coming up to die.

She laughed and replied, I was coming down to kill you!

Especially hrony one night, Mark rolled over and nuzzled his wife.

How about it, honey…? he asked tenderly.

Oh, Mark, Ive got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow, said his wife, going on to explain that the doctor had requested that she abstain from intercourse for twenty-four hours before an appointment.

Sam signed deeply and turned over to his side of the bed. A few minutes later he rolled back and asked hopefully, You dont have a dentist appointment too, do you?

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said Mike, Ill be havin three
whiskeys.

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. Now, Timothy, its not
the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. Its celebratin, you
are.

Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and Im
celebrating me first blow job.

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. Now,
thats special, he said. For an old customer like yrself, heres a
fourth on the house, so I may be sharin your celebration with you.

Shandy shook his head, and replied Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,
but Im thinkin if three wont get rid of the taste, four wont either.

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Ruff!

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father areflying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I couldthrow a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Whats the difference between an african lion and OJ Simpson?

A: An african lion is an african lion, OJ Simpson is a lyin african!