The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).
1. FULL DISCLOSURE
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the matchmaker) blameless in the event the fix-up turns out to be a real loser or psycho bitch. (For definition of real loser, see John DeLorean: My Story, available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of psycho bitch, see Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, or Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.)
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
Should said relationship proceed past the first fix-up both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said dating: For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are going out. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are seeing somebody and may be referred to by third parties as an item. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date either member may elect to use the terms girl/boyfriend or lover and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as a couple. Under no circumstances are the phrases my better half, the little woman, the old ball and chain, or my old man/lady acceptable. Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party gets too serious and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of moving too fast and may once again be said to be on the market.
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no rights or holds on the others time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be missing in action without explanation, the wounded party agrees to give up.
5. DATING ETIQUETTE
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the others work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt – with best efforts – to originate 50% of the phone calls.
Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend, and both parties agree to strike the phrase but he/she needs me from their vocabulary.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous home cooked meal and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT
It is agreed that – respective gross income aside – he will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
He considers her suitably impressed,
we are broke, or
He says, this is ridiculous, you pay!.
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
(occasionally known as the Why do I bother to keep my own apartment? codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to pick up after himself while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment a mess.) (Especially since we tend to excel in this area!)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD
For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like Lets move in together, Why dont we start a family? and — using archaic terminology — Lets get married. Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other partys right not to meet his parents.
9. THE L WORD
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase I love you. They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the G word … Gone.
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION
Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
Ending any argument with the sentence My ex- used to do that same thing;
Suggesting, no matter how kindly, that the other member should seek help;
ending any argument with the phrase My analyst thinks you are; and
complaining more than twice about the contents of the other partys refrigerator (or lack thereof).
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH
At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
Youll never find anybody better;
Nobody could ever make you happy;
Ill find somebody who can really appreciate me; and
My analyst thinks you are … (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS
Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship;
both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be on the rocks;
at the termination of said affair:
both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the others friends;
both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
The timing wasnt right;
He/She wanted more than I could give;
He/She was too involved in his/her career;
He/She decided to go back with his/her
girl/boyfriend;
last lover;
hometown;
therapist.
13. ADDENDUM
After the initial breakup – no matter what – both parties agree to give the relationship one more shot.