If we werent meant to juggle, tennis balls wouldnt come three to a can.

Whats the difference between greeting royalty and greeting President Clinton?

You only go down on one knee to greet royalty!

Things Overheard in Santas Workshop

As presented on the 12/04/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw?
9. The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies … theres a tough gig
8. Hey, Santa, its Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you
7. You know Rudolphs naturally red nose? Collagen injection
6. Uh-oh — looks like fat boy drank his lunch again
5. Shut down the assembly line for the Central Park West action figures
4. Which gifts should we plant at O.J.s house?
3. Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!
2. Someday Im gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did
1. It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it aint his tummy

A Key to Scientific Research Literature

What is writtenTrue meaning
It has long been known that …I havent bothered to look up the reference.
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions …The experiment didnt work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
The W-PO system was chosen for detailed study …The lab next door already had some prepared.
Three samples were chosen for detailed study …The results on the others didnt make sense and were ignored.
Accidentally strained during mounting …Dropped on the floor.
Handled with extreme care throughout the experiment …Not dropped on the floor.
Typical results are shown …The best results are shown, i.e. those that fit the dogma.
Agreement with predicted curve:Excellent = fair
Good = poor
Satisfactory = Doubtful
Fair = Imaginary
Correct within an order of magnitude …Wrong.
Of great theoretical and practical importance …Interesting to me.
It is suggested that …
it is believed that …
it appears that …I think.
It is generally believed that …A couple of other people think so too.
The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones …Jones was my graduate student.
Fascinating work …Work by a member of our group.
Of doubtful significance …Work done by someone else.

Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.

Which of the two will get there first?

The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!

A: They cant find the 11 on the phone!

A man walking along the beach finds a magic lamp with a genie. The genie promises to grant him whatever wish he wants.
"Okay," says the man, "I would like a highway across the oceans."
"Hrm," says the genie. "Is there anyway you could wish for something smaller?"
"How bout three Polish women with IQs over 90?"
"How many lanes do you want for your highway?"

On a busy morning a vet received a call from a woman who said she was starting a poultry farm and wanted to know how long she should leave the rooster with the hens.

Just a minute replied the vet as his other phone rang.

Thank you very much said the woman, and hang up.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldnt get Hearing Aids.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say it helps me think. Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Dont forget to use the phrase Told you so.