General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags

Detroit–
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market
down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win
airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in
all of the companys 1997 cars.

Auto accidents have never been so exciting, said GM vice-president
of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997
sales significantly. When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag
Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super
Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a years worth of free Mobil gasoline.

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.

As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
myself, Oh, boy, this could be it–I could be a big winner! said
Cincinnatis Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when
the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and
slammed into an oncoming truck. When the car stopped rolling down the
embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was
getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that
airbag!

Its really addictive, said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp,
speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical
condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
Ive already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl
tickets, but I still havent won. I swear, Im going to win those
tickets–even if it kills me!

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new
Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and thats
understandable. After all, theyre scary and dangerous and, sometimes,
even fatal, GM CEO Paul Offerman said. But now,
when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could
mean serious cash. Who wouldnt like that?

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is
killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GMs official contest rules, odds of winning the grand
prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. If you factor in the odds of getting in a
serious car accident in the first place–approximately 1 in 720,000–
the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car
are more like 1 in 31 trillion.

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the
airbag will inflate. I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in
my new Chevy Cavalier, said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. My car
was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my
airbag didnt even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that
the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick
Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. Thats just wrong.

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and youre afraid to tell your wife.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
Your childrens school calls to surrender.
The brides family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you *dont* talk to them.
All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.

What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?

Answer: Cheap-Cheap

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks. What are those used for? he asked. St. Peter said, theres one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives.

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. Why do they move at different speeds, he asked. St.Peter said, Every time you tell a lie you lose one day of your life.

The newcomer looked around and then asked, Do you have one of these for Laloo Prasad Yadav ? St. Peter answered, Sure, it is in the back room, we use it for a ceiling fan!!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing? She asked. Hunting Flies He responded. Oh. Killing any? She asked. Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell them apart? He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, Sorry, kid, but baggers cant be juicers.

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

This is your doctor, says the voice on the phone. We have the results back from your tests, and Im sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

G.A.S.H? replies the patient. What the hell is that?

Its a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes, explains the doctor.

My gosh, Doc! screams the man in a panic, what are we going to do?

Well were going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread, says the doctor matter-of-factly.

Will that cure me?

Well no, says the doctor, but its the only food that will fit under the door.

Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!