A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, … Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call Teds, or Hales!

He didnt want any advice.

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesnt count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So there! Windows is not a virus.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. Do you like to screw? he asked.

Huh?! replied the surprised first date.

My daughter, she loves to screw and shes good at it. You and her should go screw, explained the father.

Now very interested the boy replied, Yes, sir!!!

Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, Dammit, Daddy, its the TWIST, get it right!

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 20 kg.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.

Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: Im sorry, I love you, Sure we can talk. Is now okay?

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as their computer.

Road rage would turn in on oneself.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

Men would divide up chores with women so WOMEN could be horny.

TV news segments on sport would never run longer than one minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flushes and women would date 19-year-olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take six weeks paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two year-old for six weeks.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.

Well, answered the priest, thats not a sin.

But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.

I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.

Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. He paused for a moment and then said, I have one more question…

What is that, my son?

Do I have to tell him the war is over?