What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?

The Scenic Root.

Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.

Yo momma so stupid when someone asks her to count to 10 she goes one, another one, another one, another one

Why does Michael Jackson put dairly on his nob

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didnt know what Johnnys problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger.One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you dont know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because its bigger, or what?"Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says: yes youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.
You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist.
I do, replies the man. How did you know?
Well says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone.
The man below says, You must work in Management.
I do replies the balloonist, but how did you know?
Well, says the man, you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault.

Guy: Sir? Are we happy?

Other guy: Oh, God! I hate that question!

Guy: But we must be, righ? Compared to people in Turkish prisons … or Madonna fans or …

Other guy: Thats the problem, kid … happiness is all relative!

Guy: Oh. Okay then, do we feel good?

Other guy: You mean right now?

Guy: Gee … I dunno.

Other guy: Lets see … we just got a big zit on our nose … but that asteroid did miss earth. New episode of Star Trek tonight … but theyre rioting again in Antarctica …

Guy: Ill ask again later.

Other guy: Nice day, bad breath, good hair, slow death, cold beer, tight shorts, Giants win, Planters warts …

Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*

EDAM cheese (made backwards is edam)

Kittens, better than babies? Hah! Here now are the top ELEVEN reasons why
babies are better than kittens (and, as any five-year-old will tell you, more
reasons makes my list better. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!)

11) Babies are rarely known to shed on furniture.

10) No ones allergic to a baby.

9) Having a kitten in the car doesnt let you drive in the carpool lane.

8) An exercise program you can really stick with… that you HAVE to stick
with, whether you like it or not…

7) With a kitten, you dont get to watch otherwise normal adults making
silly faces, jumping up and down, talking nonsense in a high pitched voice,
and generally making fools of themselves. Hours of fun!

6) For an initial investment of a camera and few pieces of film, you can
convince babys grandparents to buy the kid all the cute but expensive
clothes, toys, furniture, and major appliances s/he will ever need–a good
photographer can buy nothing but diapers for a year. Cats never buy their
grandkittens anything.

5) Babies dont have fleas. Babies dont give YOU fleas.

4) Free pregnancy/labor horror story with each baby. Commensurate with other
mothers! Scare newly-pregnant friends! Get your husband to do twice the
housework for months!

3) Two words: Tax deduction

2) Childbirth–the greatest crash diet ever! Lose 20 pounds in one day–
and keep it off, too!

And the number one reason babies are better than kittens:

1) Kittens never grow up to look at you and say I love you, Daddy.

[original to me]

-Ian Barkley-Yeung
Proud Parent of Stephen Skyler Barkley-Yeung–cutest baby in history!

A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked, What can
I do for you?

The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, Just what exactly are you trying to find out?

The old man said, Were not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we cant go to her house. I am married and we cant go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. if we do it here
for $32.00, I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctors
office.