Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 &
Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected

I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run
my favorite applications. Im thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 7.0, but

the uninstall doesnt work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed
by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
to Girlfriend 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program
files from the system
once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife
1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support- Homeless. I recommend that you keep Wife
1.0 and work on improving
the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate additional software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:APOLOGIZE, because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the
system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. The downside is that
it also comes with a
sub-program called Spend It 12.9 that can not be
deleted. Watch this
program VERY carefully, or you will have to refer
to your manual again under2nd
Job
– Mobile Home – Collecting Cans.

Be very careful how you use these programs. Improper
use will cause the
system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this
happens, the only way to
improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software.

Recommend Flowers 2.1, Vacations 8.4 and Diamonds
5.0 WARNING!!! DO
NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt
3.3 or Babysitter 17.0 These applications are not
supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system
and your personal hard drive.
Best of luck,
Tech Support

Its a pain in the butt.

Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?

Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the
Hacker Barbie. These new dolls will be released next month. The aim
of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic,
computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbies very own
X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORAs In a Nutshell
series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair
of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and
glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors
and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen
without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16
hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as
Whats your Internet address?, I like TCP/IP!, Bummer! Your kernel
must have gotten trashed, Cant you grep that file?, and DECs Alpha
AXP is awesome!

We are very excited about this product, said Ken Olsen, Marketing
Executive, and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie. (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie
dolls that say, Math is hard, with a condescending companion Ken.) The
Hacker Barbies Ken is an incompetent management consultant who
frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of
Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, I believe that these new dolls will
finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it
comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Kens
hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and
oppress the masses. Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children
technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. My daughter Jenny
plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days, says Mrs. Mary
Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, and now she pays my credit card
bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just
dont wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama. Mattel will be offering
free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with
the complex aspects of Barbie. Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail will teach
computer ethics to youngsters, while BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!! will
serve as an introduction to expository writing.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dogs mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dogs a genius!"The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. Its the second time this week hes forgotten his key!"

The aged patient doddered into the doctors office with a serious complaint. Doc, youve got to do something to lower my sex drive.Come on now, Mr. Peters, the doctor said, your sex drives all in your head.Thats what I mean, youve got to lower it a little.

I have a friend who became tired of reading the Dont blame me, I voted for Bush bumperstickers. This was his response.

As many of you can attest, I dont feel my day is complete unless I offend as many ultra conservative politically right wing religious zealots as I can.

Accordingly, I have attached a picture frame device to the rear window of my truck.

It holds an 8-1/2 x 11 bumper sticker I print out in 100-point type on my laser printer.

Here are some of the ones Ive used so far that really seem to annoy our local rednecks:

Dont Blame Me… I *never* voted for Bush
Stop Subsidizing Millionaires… No More Tax Money for Pro Football!
Judaism… Good Enough for Jesus, Good Enough for Me
Jesus is OK, Falwell and Robertson are NOT
Bob Dole & Phil Gramm: The Original Whine Boys
Abortion is Not Murder, But Shooting a Doctor is
Reagan Was Wrong.. About Everything!
Florida… A Right to Work for Less State

Numbers 1,3 and 8 seem to get the most reaction when I pull into the post office parking lot to pick up the daily box mail.

Most people I encounter, surprisingly, agree with the sentiments in bumper sticker 8.

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. He replies, None, they all fly away with the first gun shot The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then, Little Johnny says I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone To which Little Johnny replied, The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Did anyone see the luge? Its a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)