Cuando Abraham va a la escuela, descubre que es el único niño judío en la clase; pero como era un pueblo decente nadie lo molestaba. Un día, la maestra pregunta a la clase:

¿Quién es la persona más admirada que jamás haya vivido y por qué?

Para hacerlo más interesante sostiene un billete de 20 dólares en la mano y promete:

Quien dé la mejor respuesta obtendrá estos 20 dólares.

Todos los niños empezaron a decir lo que ellos pensaban.

George Washington, porque es el padre de los Estados Unidos, dijo uno.

Eso está muy bien.

Abraham Lincoln, porque liberó a los esclavos, sugiere otro.

Muy bien.

Juana de Arco, porque salvó a Francia, asegura una niña.

Otra excelente opción, acepta la maestra.

Entonces Abrahamcito levantó la mano. La maestra le interroga:

Abraham, ¿quién crees que fue la persona más admirada que jamás haya vivido y por qué?

Jesucristo, responde Abraham.

Impresionada, la maestra responde:

Abraham, estoy muy sorprendida. Clase, yo creo que todos estamos de acuerdo en que Abraham es quien debe obtener estos 20 dólares, y le da el dinero a Abraham.

En el recreo, la maestra sigue impresionada y le pregunta a Abraham que por qué Jesús.

Mire, personalmente pienso que la persona más admirada que jamás haya vivido es Moisés, pero… business are business!

Una adolescente de catorce años va con su mamá y le dice que desde hace un par de meses no tiene el período.

Preocupadísima, la mamá compra en la farmacia un test de embarazo y el resultado de la prueba es positivo. Gritos, imprecaciones, lamentos, lágrimas…

Que quién ha sido el cerdo, que quiero saberlo, que ahora se lo dices a tu padre, etc., etc.

La chica, una vez a solas, toma el teléfono y hace una llamada. Media hora después se detiene ante la casa una Ferrari último modelo, de la que sale un tipo maduro y distinguido, de pelo entrecano, vestido impecablemente con un elegante traje que se adivina carísimo. Toma asiento en el salón ante el padre, la madre y la hija y dice:

Buenos días. Vuestra hija me ha informado del problema. Sin embargo, yo no puedo casarme con ella porque tengo otra situación familiar, aunque me haré cargo. Si nace una niña, le puedo legar 3 tiendas, 2 apartamentos, una villa en el mar y una cuenta de $ 500 mil dólares. Si nace un niño, el legado será un par de fábricas, además de los $ 500 mil. Y si nacen gemelos, una fábrica y $ 250 mil us para cada uno. En cambio, si pierde el embarazo…

En este punto el padre, que había permanecido callado todo el tiempo, se levanta, le apoya una mano en el hombro y le dice:

¡Te la echas de nuevo!

This blonde calls this rural fire dept. all excited she says come quick my barns on fire, my barns on fire.

The dispatcher says calm down now just tell us how to get there.



She says oh, Dont you have that big red truck anymore?

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, Midnight, just like I said.



She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said Shit!, cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.

To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying to frob a
frob. See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if hes carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if hes just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, hes frobbing it.

How do you make a black guy scared?

Take him to an auction.

Even the futures not what it used to be.

Ive learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were
each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to
another and said, So, what did you bring? The second
convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become
the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first, What
did you bring? The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, I brought cards. I can play poker,
solitaire and gin, and any number of games. The third convict,
who was a Vol fan, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What
did you bring? The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said I brought these.

The other two were puzzled and asked – What can you do with
those? He grinned and pointed to the box and said – Well
according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating….

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, Dont.Dont what? Adam asked.Dont eat the forbidden fruit, God said.Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!No way!Yes WAY!Dont eat that fruit! said God.Why?Because Im your Creator and I said so! said God, wondering why he hadnt stopped after making the elephants.A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. Didnt I tell you not to eat that fruit? God asked.Uh huh, Adam replied.Then why did you?I dunno, Eve answered.She started it! Adam said.Did Not!DID so!DID NOT!Having had it with the two of them, Gods punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.