Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.

Q: Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond?

A: They open on impact.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands Stop That!.

The waiter looks at her dryly and says Sure lady, which way is it headed?

Un señor entra a trabajar a una fábrica y el supervisor le explica su tarea:

Usted atenderá esta máquina, que es la más moderna fabricadora de clavos. Con la mano izquierda mueve esta palanca que hace ingresar el alambrón a la máquina. Con la mano derecha acciona esta palanca que corta el alambrón a la medida del clavo. Con el pie izquierdo aprieta este pedal que acciona el afilador de puntas del clavo. Con el pie derecho aprieta este pedal que hace las cabezas de los clavos. Con su cabeza presiona este control que empaqueta los clavos.

Al rato, el supervisor vuelve a ver al candidato, que está muy ocupado moviendo todas sus extremidades con gran dinamismo.

¿Todo bien, le pregunta.

Perfecto ¿por qué no me coloca una escobita en el culo, así de paso puedo ir barriendo el piso?

The Week Before Christmas



Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school

Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.

The children were busy with paper and paste

The mess that they made with it couldnt be faced.



The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,

Had just settled down to work with her dears,

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter

up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!



Away to the door they all flew like a flash

The one who was leading went down with a crash.

Then what to their wondering eyes did appear

But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)



When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.

She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!

She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)

But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name





Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!

Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!

Now get to your places get away from the hall

Now get away! Get away! Get away all!





As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.

They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle

Their faces were shining and each had a smile.



First came a basket of popcorn to string

-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).

As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout

The pupils were merrily romping about.



The state they were in could lead to a riot

The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.

Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!

The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!



The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask

It was plain that she didnt feel up to her task.

The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,

But the children ignored it they did every year.



A tear from her eye and a shake of her head

Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.

She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,

Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.



But at last it was finished and placed on the tree

Then came the bell and the children were free.

Their shrill little voices soon faded away

And peace was restored at the end of the day.

As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,

She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.



He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.



The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.



The jury foreman replied: Oh, we looked, but your client didnt.

The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows dont.

The other line always moves faster.

What do you call two black guys on motorcycles in Los Angeles?

Choclate CHiPs

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.