Old and New Jokes

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. All you have to do she told her class is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around.

For years and years they told me,



Be careful of your breasts.



Dont ever squeeze or bruise them.



And give them monthly tests.



So I heeded all their warnings,



And protected them by law.



Guarded them very carefully,



And I always wore my bra.



After 30 years of astute care,



My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,



Said I should get a Mammogram.



O.K, I said, lets do it.



Stand up here real close she said,



(She got my boob in line,)



And tell me when it hurts, she said,



Ah yes! Right there, thats fine.



She stepped upon a pedal,



I could not believe my eyes!



A plastic plate came slamming down,



My hooters in a vice!



My skin was stretched and mangled,



From underneath my chin.



My poor boob was being squashed,



To Swedish Pancake thin.



Excruciating pain I felt,



Within its vice-like grip.



A prisoner in this vicious thing,



My poor defenseless tit!



Take a deep breath she said to me,



Who does she think shes kidding?!?



My chest is mashed in her machine,



And woozy I am getting.



There, thats good, I heard her say,



(The room was slowly swaying.)



Now, lets have a go at the other one.



Have mercy, I was praying.



It squeezed me from both up and down,



It squeezed me from both sides.



Ill bet SHES never had this done,



To HER tender little hide.



Next time that they make me do this,



I will request a blindfold.



I have no wish to see again,



My knockers getting steamrolled.



If I had no problem when I came in,



I surely have one now.



If there had been a cyst in there,



It would have gone ker-pow!



This machine was created by a man,



Of this, I have no doubt.



Id like to stick his balls in there,



And see how THEY come out.

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

Its just too hot to wear clothes today, complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

Whats the difference between a Mexican American Princess, and a Jewish
American Princess?

A Mexican American Princess has fake jewelry and real orgasms.

One pound of learning requires ten pounds of common sense to apply it.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea… lets pretend were married.

Why not, giggles the woman.

Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket!

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived
on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells
him he cant have any breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, hes a little pissed, so he goes to
feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I dont get any
eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he
asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken,
so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig,
so you dont get any bacon, either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this
morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast,
and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?

What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?

Dumbbells.

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if its really dead.16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (youre in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!10. If youre running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, its still moving fast enough to catch up with you.9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.7. As a general rule, dont solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.6. Dont fool with recombinant DNA technology unless youre sure you know what you are doing.5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.3. If your car runs out o

From page 468 of Using Turbo C++ by Herbert Schildt:

REMEMBER: The private parts of an object are accessible only by functions
that are members of that object.

Well, there goes free love…