Old and New Jokes

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning
to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead
gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned
over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly beleive it, she
wasnt wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and
said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to
Bob that she hadnt had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when
she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her
apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do
you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drueled a bit and finally
said Your ears.

What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice
tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!!!

Well, said Bob In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was
me!!!

Quaylisms





I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have



was that I didnt study Latin harder in school so I could converse



with those people.



— J. Danforth Quayle







If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure. — J. Danforth



Quayle







Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and



child.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. —



Vice President Dan Quayle







Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same



distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures



where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that



means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89







What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is



being very wasteful. How true that is.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean



in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I



didnt live in this century.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88







I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and



democracy – but that could change.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89







One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,



and that one word is to be prepared.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89







May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.



— The Quayles 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,



though.]







Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. — Vice President



Dan Quayle, 11/30/88







We dont want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements



in the Future.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







The future will be better tomorrow. — Vice President Dan Quayle







Were going to have the best-educated American people in the world.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88







People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions



and have a tremendous impact on history.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made.



— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89







We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a



firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







Public speaking is very easy.



— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88







I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. — Vice President



Dan Quayle







I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the



polls.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots



and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is



to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for



the killings? The killers are to blame.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having



it.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)







Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still



has a job next year.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92







We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. —



Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90







For NASA, space is still a high priority. — Vice President Dan



Quayle, 9/5/90







Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our



children.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90







The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan



Quayle may or may not make.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Were all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on



the mistakes we may or may not have made.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the



impurities in our air and water that are doing it.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







[Its] time for the human race to enter the solar system. — Vice



President Dan Quayle

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road.
Thats why the highway department made so many of them.

:

Mathmatician — 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by induction.

Statistician — 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is expermental error so throw it out, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, the rest follows by induction.

Computer Scientist — 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, ….

Q: Whats a brunettes mating call?

A: Has that blonde gone yet?

A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?

A3: All the blondes have gone home!

1. Youd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press

2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and

6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other How is your wife??

Second old man replied I think she is Dead!

First old man What do you mean you THINK she is dead???

Second old man Well…. the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I don t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.

The husband says, What?!!!

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife, they all look great, well buy all three of them.

Then he goes over and gets matching shoes worth $300 each. And then goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited, and trying to take advantage of her husbands generous mood, she goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says, You dont even play tennis, but if you really like it then lets get it.

The wife is practically jumping up and down with excitement. She says, Okay, Im ready to go, lets take all of this stuff to the register.

The husband says, No-no-no, honey, were not going to buy all this stuff.

The wifes face goes blank.

No, honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.

Her face gets really red and shes about to explode when the husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!

A true urban legend:

A husband of a friend (yes, I know it sounds like one of THOSE sort of stories) went to a local bank to make a withdrawal. Its one of those banks where you take a form, fill it in and stand in line.

While waiting in line, he casually flipped the withdrawal form over and noticed that someone had written on the back of it I HAVE A GUN : GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY. Not wanting to lose his place in the queue, he waited till he got to the teller and said Look, some idiot has written on the back of this form.

The teller, not listening, saw the writing and hit the panic button. Alarms rang, cops appeared, the guy was cuffed and taken to a back room and interviewed for a few hours.

At 10oclock at night, his wife finally found out where he was (he went to the bank at mid-day) and he was released only after several well-respected friends testified as to his character.

But before he left the cops checked the pile of withdrawal slips in the bank and found that about half of them had similar messages on the back.

Evidently some prankster had done so for a joke.

So, the next time you go to the bank, check the back of the forms first … (or else write on them, put them back in teh pile and wait for the fun to start …)