Archive for September, 2019

This is supposedly a true

Poza publicata in [ True Stories ]

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTOs Land
Operations/Simulation division.

Theyve been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the
case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into
exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they
employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees
and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In
particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopters position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used
to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed
the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time theyve gone to
demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided
to get down and dirty with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively… then gape
as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at
forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding… and Americans
leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie
wildlife…

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos
like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place…

Frog in a bank

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

I would like a loan of £30,000 please. he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. Thirty thousand pounds? Thats a lot of money, you know. says Paddy, Youll need a collateral for that amount of money.

Thats okay, says the frog, I have this. And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. Whats this? I cant accept this as collateral. Dont worry, says the frog, I know the manager, hes a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the managers office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says Theres a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow £30,

000… he gave this as collateral… what on earth is it?

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says… Its a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a Rolling Stone.

An extremely modest man was

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, What the heck is going on?The drunk, still staring down, replied: I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.

Two Kinds Of Men

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

What are the only two kinds of men?

Studs and duds.

How do crazy people get through the forest?

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

Closed Bulls Eyes

Poza publicata in [ Animal ]

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

On Alimony

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Alimony:

1) A contraction of the term all-his-money.

2) A splitting headache.

3) Its the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.

4) Paying for something you dont get.

5) Thats the same as buying corn for somebody elses cow.

6) The high cost of leaving.

7) The last laugh.

8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husbands checkbook.

9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.

10) A womans cash surrender value.

11) The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One whos alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

The

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!

Kids at Christmas – 3 short ones

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

Young lad on knee of a department-store Santa: Please notice one thing – Im adequately clothed.

At the Mall with their Mother, upon hearing Santa Claus is Coming to Town, a little boy said to his sister, Listen Jean! Theyre playing our song.

A small boy wrote in a Christmas Card to his Aunt: And I want to thank you for all the presents you have sent in the past, as well as all the ones you are going to send me this Christmas.

A survey about LD relationships

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A blank survey form was recently crossposted to several newsgroups which
cater to people who communicate via long distance by use of the net (muds,
irc, email, usenet, etc). It was made for email replies but Tony Quirke
posted his hilarious follow-up back to the net. I figured others might also
find this amusing so Im submitting it here with Tonys permission:

Re: A survey about LD relationships [rec.humor.funny]
Re: A survey about LD relationships