One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the ministers room and yelled, father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me … and he took a step forward!
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Wheres this man now?
The Choirboy replies…
flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!
Archive for October, 2019
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. Youve got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier aint so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.
Who is this incredibly fine archer? cries the duke. I must find him.
After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets.
You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? asks the duke worriedly.
No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.
That is truly astonishing, says the duke. I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favour in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.
Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.
A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army.
His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis…He agrees, and does so.
When his penis isnt erect you can see the letters W and Y.
The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her mans penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica.
One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him… The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, Wow, thats really interesting, I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?
And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says…
Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!
A man dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The man says, Who is this?
This is the maid, answers the woman.
We dont have a maid, says the man.
The woman says, I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.
The man says, Well, this is her husband. Is she there?
The woman replies, She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.
The man is fuming and says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
The maid says, What will I have to do?
The man tells her, I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk shes with.
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone
What do I do with the bodies?
The man says, Throw them in the swimming pool.
Puzzled, the maid answers, But you dont have a pool.
A long pause and the man says, Is this 567-5309?
A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-laws death.
It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.
He replies, Dont take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!
A
man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving
him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening
drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her
up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly
saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation
hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without
a word and examined it and the car.
"Its been a long hard day, this is the end
of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel
like more paperwork, I dont need the frustration
or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good
excuse for your driving that I havent heard before,
you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last
week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid
you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.