A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, Well, ya know, Bush is a Post Turtle.

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, When youre driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, thats a Post Turtle.

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctors face, so he continued to explain:

You know he didnt get there by himself, he doesnt belong there, he cant get anything done while hes up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down.

This space for rent.

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, What trip?

What is Bills definition of safe sex?

When Hillary is out of town.

Clinton said that his relationship with Monica was inappropriate, in fact
it was wrong.

Whats the difference between inappropriate and wrong. Well,
inappropriate is like wearing black shoes with brown pants. Wrong is
wearing black shoes and no pants.

This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before
beginning.

Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty
pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.

Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your
Internet Service Provider (GOD).

If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list,
you will need to find the mailhost. This is a machine usually located in a
locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of
diskettes with that days mail messages, including yours from this list, to this
machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the mailhost. The
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best,
fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys dont
want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer
(you did get all the tools needed?).

find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the
switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable plastic
switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable plastic
switch in an environmental-friendly manner. This will alert the mailman to not
deliver the diskettes with the messages to the mailhost not unlike the little
red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your mail problem immediately.

You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this should
happen, you will need to disable the mailhost once again with more forceful
measures. Repeat Step #2. Dont be suprised if there is a sturdier door in place
than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the fact that the Have
Key clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of computer
equipment.

After you have once again regained entry into the mailhost room, open
up the back of the mailhost. There may be a large tv-like device on top of the
mailhost You will need to remove this first. Take your wire cutters, and cut
any cables binding the tv-like device to the mailhost. Set the tv-like device
to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can
find on the mailhost. Once this is done, the mailhost should break away into
two or more pieces.

Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly marked
with the following labels: Danger, High Voltage, Do not open – no
user-servicable parts. Dont worry, these labels are merely in place to satisfy
OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the bucket of
saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large box may have.
Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to
properly soak each and every component.

In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on occassion),
douse any flames with the sani-wipes. This solution is provided without
warranty. It is not bio-degradable or fat-free. In the event of sudden death,
contact a physician immediately.

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano … wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right….war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

[Note: this is in response to looking for a wife that you posted
about a month ago]

Looking for a Husband

Hardware Requirements:

Pleasant screen and durable chassis.
Hard drive – no floppies!
User definable sex drive.
Must come certified bug free.
Top-of-the-line joystick.

Software Requirements:

Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Husband
Language) basic command subset (e.g. of_course_dear,
yes_I_will_watch_the_kids, just_use_the_credit_card).
Must be easily programmable.
Single-user mode ONLY.
Very-user-friendly interface.

yo mamma so old that when she tried to breast feed her breast milk was like powder.

Did you know, I was reading about an enormous factory in the USA where there is only ONE MAN working – I know what youre thinking – weve got enormous factories where NOBODYS working – but this one is different – its got an end product: it is completely automated to make torch batteries, and the only employee is an old rabbi who stands at the end of the conveyor belt and as the batteries go past he says, I wish you long life! I wish you long life!