Dear Dr. Verne:

Im gonna be gittin a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of the good redneck breeding that Im is, Is worried about affectin my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man dont like me having my ex-old mans name writ on me, so Ims getting rid of it.

Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name?

– Worried in Des Moines

Dear Worried:

It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the exs name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, Id lose the damn thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure yous an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and youll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.

But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, thats class. Id keep that baby and just cross out the exs name with some spray paint and write the new guy in.

Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, Id probably get your future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John. If you aint shacked up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances are yous gonna be in the future. This is what business guys call your strategic planning.

But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos for guys is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, MOM, skull-and-crossbones or the phone number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles.

Stuff that aint manly, and could damn well be classified as candy-assed, is the Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like butterflies that dont even bite nothing, and that damned barbed wire, which is usually weared by guys who bought their pipes at the fruity health club, instead of lifting railroad ties and eating meat.

Now if yous a guy who tattooed Cindy on his chest, but the new old lady Rhonda aint cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed, Id just pour gas on your chest and light her up with an arc welder. Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort, which is French for Holy $#%^ that hurts! But at least youll be getting clean space to get a dragon that looks just like Rhonda. Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got them scars saving babies from burning apartments.

Chicks always go for guys who got burned up saving babies.

Dr Verne.