Some Warning Signs of Insanity

– You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

– Youre always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

– Nobody listens to you anymore, because they cant understand you through that scuba mask.

– You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass youve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

– You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

– You collect dead windowsill flies.

– Every time the phone rings, you shout, Hey! An angel just got its wings!

– You like cats. Especially with mayo.

– You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligans Island, because they werent rescued.

– You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if theyll hatch.

– Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

– You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

– You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

– Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him its for security reasons.

– Melba toast sexually excites you.

– When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because the napkins have ears.

– You tend to agree with everything your mothers dead uncle tells you.

– You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

– Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

– Nearly everything you say involves the word, P-toing!

– You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

– You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that youre a stalk.

– You think that exploding wouldnt be so bad, once you got used to it.

– People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.