Business Classified Definitions
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
Youll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
Youll be making under $7 an hour; well be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once its shared between the higher-ups, there wont be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; youll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we havent done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. Were just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, youre fired.
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
Im usually on Prozac. When Im not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
Ive used Microsoft Office.
IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
IM PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
IM WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywheres better.
IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
Youre probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
Ive changed jobs a lot.
IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. Im outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
Im a college drop-out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Dont throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, Im gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
Cele mai Votate Pisici