Whats the definition of mixed emotions?
— When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Whats the height of conceit?
— Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Whats the definition of macho?
— Jogging home from your own vasectomy

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
— One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

Why dont blind people like to sky dive?
— Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?
— You fill it with gas.

What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
— Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

Have you heard George Michaels new song?
— Its called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
— The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
— Anyone can roast beef.

What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
— The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and God?
— God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

Whats the weather like in Tahoe?
— Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.