KGB colonel Petrofiev calls srg. Iliushin into his office. At your service, comrade colonel.

Comrade Iliushin, go tell Ivan this is his last chance. Unless he tells us where the treasure is, I will kill his wife and his daughter, burn his fingers, pop out his eyes, cut his ears, smash his balls and when I get tired ot tormenting him I will give his heart to my dog.

Srg. Iliushin rushes to the dark cell where Ivan lays on the floor already beaten to death.

Dear Ivan, I did everything I could but Im affraid they are very determined and this is the last offer they are going to make. Either you tell them the place you keep the gold and they will set you free or they will kill your family, burn your fingers, pop out your eyes, smash your balls and when they get tired theyll make your heart dog-food.

Ivan half death, scared out of his pants and fearing for his family, whispers with a painful grin he keeps the gold under his tent.

The next moment Sgt. Iliushin rushes to Col. Petrofievs office: Comrade colonel, I ask your permision to report.

Permsion granted. What did Ivan say?

Comrade colonel, excuse me, but he said to go fuck yourself.

And this is for a bonus:

The Annual Bartenders Conference has just voted the cocktail of the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice. The main argument was that when you get drunk at least you can see better.