A LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.

So ,this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman have you seen my brother?…
and the barman says I dont know, what does he look like? (ba-dum-tish)

Dog Rules…

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summers day?
A: Im bacon!

Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?
Its a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.
First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.

A: A giraffic jam.

A: To a crow bar.

A man runs into the vets office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dogs body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dogs body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.""$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man…."Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code.

3. Dachshund:
You know I cant reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler:
Make me.

5. Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd:
Ill change it as soon as Ive led these people from the dark, check to make
sure I havent missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see
that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier:
Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? Im sorry, but I dont see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …

13. Greyhound:
It isnt moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd:
First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle …

15. Poodle:
Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he
finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cats Answer:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner, and a massage?

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

The terrified ox stammers, Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like itd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –
Just because you dont know the answer, you dont have to get so upset about it!