A bear said to a rabbit,Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur? The rabbit said,No, why? Then the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt.

On the first day of creation, God created the cat…. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat…. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat…. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat…. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it…. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke…. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox….

A man walks into bar, sits on a nearby stool and ganders at a large jug of money. Upon pondering, he asks the bartender, How much money is in there?

The bartender, with a gentle smile replied, 26,000,000..

The man jumped up with his eyes about ready to emerge from their sockets. He asked, So is it for the poor? Or is it lika a charity?

The bartender shook his head.No no no! That money is for the first person to complete three tasks.

A little curious, the man said, Is that so? Well, Im sure I could get them done, so what are they?

Grinning slightly, the bartender replied, First task: You must chug down a 5 gallon bucket of beer. Second task: You must pull a rotten tooth from a wolf with rabies. Then for your final task, you must have sex with a 100 year old grandmother located upstairs.

The man gulped a little, but replied, Well, that still sounds like a deal!

The man chugged down the 5 gallon bucket of beer. Woozy, he told the bartender to take him out to the wolf with rabies. Leave me here! This could get rough, the man said in a fluury of slurred words, as the bartender let him go and walked back in to tend to the custumers.

Minutes later he heard the wolf yelping and crying out. Man, he must really have a thing with animals. Hes probably pulled that tooth right out.

The bartender looked up in wonder as the man stumbled through the door and yelled in a drunken voice, Now wheres that old lady with the rotten tooth?

A: The outside.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. In the last 15 races, Ive won 8 of them!

Another horse breaks in, Well in the last 27 races, Ive won 19!!

Oh thats good, but in the last 36 races, Ive won 28!, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. I dont mean to boast, says the greyhound, but in my last 90 races, Ive won 88 of them!

The horses are clearly amazed. Wow! says one, after a hushed silence. A talking dog.

A preacher is buying a parrot.

Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.

Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.

Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.

Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?

I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Why Dogs are Better than Women:

Dogs dont cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs dont care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs dont expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs dont care if you play with other dogs. Dogs dont notice if you call them by another dogs name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs dont mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs dont hate it. Dogs dont shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dogs disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dogs parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs dont hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. Its legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs dont worry about germs. Dogs dont want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs dont let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster. You never have to wait for a dog. Theyre ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs dont borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when youre drunk. Dogs cant talk. Dogs arent catty.

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.

Q. What goes 99 click? A. A centipede with a wooden leg.