In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog for Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

You talk? he asks.

Yep, the mutt replies.

So, whats your story?

The mutt looks up and says, Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, Ten dollars.

The guy says, This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?

The owner replies, Hes just a big liar. He didnt do any of that stuff.

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, Sir, what are you doing!?!

The man turned toward the teller and said, Oh, nothing – just looking around.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is — its some flowers!"

"Thats right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is — its a box of candy!"

"Thats right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

What is it?"

"A puppy!"

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs — theyre Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

What do you call a dog that hears voices?

A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

a Koala bear was bored and had nothing to do, so he decided to pick up a hooker, after he was done with her, he told her U can leave now, the hooker picked up a dictionary and said the definition of hooker gets paid for sex. the Koala bear picked up a dictionary and said the definition of Koala bear eats bush and leaves

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. Oh, please excuse me! said the bunny. I didnt mean to trip over you, but Im blind and cant see.

Thats perfectly all right, replied the snake. To be sure, it was my fault. I didnt mean to trip you, but Im blind too, and I didnt see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?

Well, I really dont know, said the bunny. Im blind, and Ive never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, Well, youre soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!

Then he said, I cant thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?

And the snake replied that he didnt know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, Well, what kind of an animal am I?

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, Youre hard, youre cold, youre slimy and you havent got any balls… You must be a lawyer.

Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns dont work!

Q: Why cant Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

Say the word cow BEFORE each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now say the word cow AFTER each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now say the word cow BEFORE AND AFTER each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now read the words upwards from the bottom.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look