A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.

We just tell them theyre going to die.

What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? The pricks are on the inside.

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, Jesus is watching you!while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, Who said that?! Once again he heard the same thing, Jesus is watching you! The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, Cornelius. The robber said, What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?! The parrot said, The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car.

I think I can fix it, says the computer engineer.

The systems analyst says, No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it.

The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again.

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on. After theyve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if shes seen any cops.
Yes, says the blonde.

Are their lights on?

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Whats the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?
One says, Rib-it, rib-it, while the other says, Rub-it, rub-it.

What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer?

Beer

A plumber promised old Miss Johnson he would be at her apartment by 11am the next day. When he had not arrived at 11:15 she locked up her apartment and went about her shopping.

The plumber arrived at 11:30 and knocked on the door. Although Miss Johnson was gone, her parrot called out, Who is it? and the plumber said, Its the plumber. When noone came to the door the plumber knocked again. Again the parrot called out, Who is it? Thinking Miss Johnson may be hard of hearing the plumber raised his voice and shouted, Its the plumber! This routine continued for some time.

Eventually Miss Johnson returned to her apartment with her bag of groceries and found the plumber dead at her door. As she unlocked the door and let herself into the apartment she exclaimed, Now I wonder who that is?! to which the bird promptly replied, Its the *#@ PLUMBER!!!!!

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence