There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

Two guys are talking about their bosss upcoming wedding, and one says, Its ridiculous! Sure, hes rich, but hes also 93 years old, and shes just 26! What kind of wedding is that?

The other says, Well, we have a name for that kind of wedding in my family.

Oh, yeah? What do you call it?

We call it a football wedding.

The first guy asks, Whats a football wedding?

The other guy laughs and says, Shes just waiting for him to kick off!

There was an old lady in a retirement home who had a bad case of Alsheimers; sometimes she could barely remember anything. One day her eldest son came to visit her. Do you know my name? he asked.

She looked at him and replied, No, sonny, Im sorry, I sure dont.

Later that day he came back to see if her memory had improved. When she saw him she asked, Hello, sonny. Did you ever find out what your name was?

Q: Whats invisible and smells like carrots???
A: Bunny farts!

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?

So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping womens knees at parties.

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep
it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba
Dabba Doo!

If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?
A bloody big cricket.

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, whats that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didnt wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.

By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.

The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.

So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.

1.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3.On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6.Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7.Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8.The patient refused autopsy.
9.The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10.Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12.Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13.Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14.She is numb from her toes down.
15.While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16.The skin was moist and dry.
17.Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18.Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19.She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20.Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21.I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22.Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23.Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
24.The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25.The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26.Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27.The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28.Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29.Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30.She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31.Patient was found in bed with her power mower