The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. Ive seen it on T.V.

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lions team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lions team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lions team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

Look you guys. We can win this game. Weve got the lead and they only have one real threat. Weve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, hes a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhinos team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

Did you do this? he asked the centipede.

Yeah, I did. the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, Where were you during the first half?

I was putting on my shoes.

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, Whats time to a pig?

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. I can hardly believe my eyes! he exclaimed. Thats the smartest dog Ive ever seen.

Nah, hes not so smart, the friend replied. Ive beaten him three games out of five.

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so shes trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, Ive got just the thing for you madam. Ill just get him.

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. This dog is a special dog, he tells her. It is able to fly, he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say my, hell eat whatever youve mentioned. Watch. My apple! The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

Hes cute, and so unusual. Ill take him, she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today! she exclaims when she gets back home. He can fly!

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, Fly eh? Ha! My foot!

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, Lets fly out of the cave and get some blood.

Were new here, says the second one. Its dark out, and we dont know where to look. Wed better wait until the other bats go with us.

The first bat replies, Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere. He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, Where did you get the blood?

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, See that black building over there?

Yes, the other bat answers.

Well, says the first bat, I didnt.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, Im afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now hes gone.

I put contact lenses in my dogs eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. Its fun to call him… Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. Hes an East German Shepherd.

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, Got any duck feed?

The clerk tells him, No, we dont have a market for it it so we dont carry it.

The duck says, Okay and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, Got any duck feed?

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, Got any duck feed?

The clerk says, Ive told you twice, we dont have duck feed, weve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, Ill nail your feet to the floor.

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, Got any nails?

No, comes the reply.

Got any duck feed?

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, If you tie yourself up Ill come down. So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.

The lion said, Hey, monkey, you dont have to be scared! Im not going to eat you; Im tied up real tight.

I know, said the monkey. Thats not why Im shaking.

So why are you shaking? asked the lion.

Well, said the monkey, its just that Ive never had sex with a lion before.

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service his hens. He got himself a new rooster and let him loose with the old rooster. The young rooster went right over to the old rooster and challenged him to a fight. The old rooster said, Sonny, Im too old to fight. Just follow me around, and Ill show you the place. The young rooster agreed and started to follow the old rooster around. The old rooster showed him the barn, then the hen house…then started to run. The young rooster thought the old rooster was trying to pull a quick one, so he chased after him madly.

All of a sudden, there came a loud Bang! and there stood the farmer, muttering Dangit, thats the third gay rooster Ive had to kill this month.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea!

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and is on fire?

Still no flaming idea!