What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?
They both lick their paws.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back?
A dirty double crosser

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little
milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm
milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely
not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any
time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in
"y."

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their
claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the
really good furniture.

13. Stray cats may be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on new
£59.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the dirt.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact
plastic tray filled with Fresh n Sweet kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a
three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic
lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says If you can count all my sheep Ill let you have any one you want. The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, You have 356 sheep. The farmer exclaims, Wow — youre exactly right. I guess blondes really arent dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep.
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. Oh no, he says, you cant have that one. Why not? asks the blonde, you said I could have any sheep I wanted. And the farmer says, Maam, thats my dog.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devils wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

(In recognition of columnist Dave Barrys Weasel Chomping idea.)

The taco Bell chihuahua dog, a doberman, and a bulldog all walk into a bar. A female collie then walks in. The collie says, Whoever can say liver and cheese the most creativly, can have me. So the bulldog goes I love liver and cheese The collie says Not good enough The doberman says I hate liver and cheese The collie goes, Not creative enough Then the chihuahua dog says, Liver alone, cheese mine.

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?

A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a chocolate lab!

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, Pig #1, do you know your mission?
The pig replies, Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink.

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, Pig #2, do you know your mission?

The second pig replies, Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink.

Then NASA asks the blonde, Blonde woman, do you know your mission?

The blonde woman replies, Ummmmmmm…. Oh yeah, I remember now. Feed the pigs – and DONT TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!