A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25. The farmer had never seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one.

Ill tell you what, said the pilot, if you and your wife can ride in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, Ill let you ride for free. Otherwise, you pay. How about it?

The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air. The pilot was determined to make his passengers shriek in terror. He did loops and flips and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind him never made a sound.

After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the young pilot told the old man, I really am surprised, but as I said, you ride for free. I cant believe that you managed to keep silent for the whole ride.

Yep, said the farmer, but it was pretty tough. I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

When the Captain spoke over the intercom system, the passengers were surprised to hear a womans voice. Not to worry … Im a fully qualified pilot and can fly this aircraft better than any man! If youd like to see me in action; once the fasten seat belt sign is turned off, feel free to unbuckle your seat belt, stroll down the aisle and join me in the cuntpit.

Choose your favourite rude one!

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism – EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I dont have a license to kill. I have a learners permit.
I wasnt born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isnt so hot either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, its an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! Well strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but youre still an idiot.
If you drink, dont park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her … or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus dont mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; Im cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Dont re-elect them!

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, Edna, Id like to ride in that there airplane. And every year Edna would say, I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars. One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, Edna, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. Edna replied, Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars. The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal. Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars. Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt. Fred replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, Lets go! The tense man sitting in the pilots seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.Fly over the north side of the fire, said the photographer, and make several low-level passes. Why? asked the nervous pilot. Because Im going to take pictures! yelled the photographer. Im a photographer, and photographers take pictures.After a long pause, the pilot replied: You mean, youre not my instructor?

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, Edna, Id like to ride in that there airplane.

And every year Edna would say, I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, Edna, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.

Edna replied, Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal. Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars.

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt.

Fred replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.



By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.



The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane.



The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

You Might be a Michigander……

If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding….
If your definition of a small town is one that doesnt have a lake….
If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any
sport!)…
If snow tires come standard on all your cars….
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry….
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week….
If you can identify an Ohio accent….
If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town…..
If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your
bike….
If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder….
If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you
grew up….
If you dont understand what the big deal about Chicago is….
If someone aks you if youve been to Europe and you answer, No, but Ive
been to Ann Arbor….
If Down South to you means Toledo….
If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was…..
If octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and
baseball…
If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon…
If you think going up north would be a great vacation….in January….
If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as trolls or
lopers…
If the Big Three can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Dominos,
Little Ceasars and Hungry Howies…
If a Big Mac is something you can drive across….
If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island….
If you had to get a passport to go to Ohio….
If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones…
If your kids baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out…
If the trees in your backyard have spigots….
If you know that a place called Kalamazoo really exists….
If you bake with soda and drink pop…
If you know what a pastie is…
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right….
If your favorite hockey teams mascot is an octopus…
If you have a favorite hockey team…
If you dont have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernors…
If you know how to play Euchre…

Q*Why do elephants have big ears*

A*Because Noddy wont pay the ransom!*

This appeared in the Langalist courtesy of Canadian Gerry V

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isnt dangerous. Crashing is whats dangerous.
Its always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You wont live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know youve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didnt get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs youve made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters cant fly; theyre just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground thats going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
Its always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. Theres always something youve missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. Its the law. And its not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.