An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks up to the man and says, Thats amazing how did you get that. The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, I wish I had a million bucks. The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.

My son, the first one says, started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!

My son, said the second, started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!

My son, said the third, started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock.

Well, the fourth guy said, my sons turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. Hes a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.

A brain walks into a bar and says, Ill have a pint of beer please.

The barman looks at him and says Sorry, I cant serve you.

Why not? askes the brain.

Youre already out of your head.

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes its a gay bar. What the heck, he says to himself, I really want a drink.When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, Whats the name of your willy?The cowboy says, Look, Im not into any of that. All I want is a drink.The gay waiter says, Im sorry but I cant serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan Just Do It. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because It really Satisfies. The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, Hey bud, whats the name of yours?The man looks back and says with a smile, TIMEX.The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?The fella proudly replies, Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin! A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, So, what do you guys call yours?The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, FORD, because Quality is Job One Then he adds, Have you driven a Ford lately?The guy next to him then says, I call mine CHEVY…..Like a Rock! And gives a wink!Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, Why Secret?The cowboy says, Because its STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!

One day two men walked into the bar. Both men were exactly alike, a clone you could say. They both sat down for the bartender to fix them a drink. The first man sat down, waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When it was given to him he drunk it very fast, left, and had a happy life. The next man sat down, and waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When the drink was given to him he drunk it very slowly, and died right there on the spot. Why did the first man live but the second man die?



Answer: The bartender placed a poison in both of the drinks. The trick is, the poison was in the ice. So, the first man drank the drink so fast that the ice didnt melt, so the poison did not get in his drink. The second man drank the drink way to slow, so the ice had time to melt out into the drink. The poison got into his drink and he died.

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm. The man thought,Hey this is good. So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm. The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes. The bartender looks over at the man and says, Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.

A little boy on the way to school one day saw a drunk playing with himself in an alley. The boy asked what he was doing. The drunk said playing with my birdie, playing with my birdie He then passed out. When he came to he was in the hospital, in pain around his groin area. He asked the Dr what happened, the Dr brought in the little boy and told him to answer the man. The boy said after you went to sleep mister, I played with your birdie and he spit at me so I broke his neck, cracked his eggs and set his nest on fire

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, theres a better one. At McDougals, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink! The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, Yeah, thats a nice bar, but where I come from, theres a better one. Over in Brooklyn, theres this place, Vinnys. At Vinnys, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, You think thats great? Where I come from, theres this place called Warshowskis. At Warshowskis, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

Wow! say the other two.

Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

No, replies the Polish guy, but it happened to my sister!

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: Why dont you be a good Samaritan and take him home.

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunks wife greets them at the door: Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but wheres his wheel chair?