Three Vampires walk into a Vampire-bar. The first Vampire says Ill have a Blood.

The second Vampire says Blood for me too, please.

The third Vampire says Ill have a Plasma.

So the bartender says OK, thatl be two Bloods, and a Blood Lite.

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed
that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin and dealin they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on
the pot before a whole audience and he didnt dance a single step!

So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The barman asks him,
You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.

The Irishman replies,
Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the others in Australia and Im here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.

One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
Oh no, he says. Everyones fine. Ive just given up drinking.

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.

So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese. The Collie replies, Thats not good enough.

The Bulldog says, I hate liver and cheese. She says, Thats not creative enough.

Finally, the Chihuahua says, Liver alone . . . cheese mine.

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

A Man was walking home one night when he bummped into a really fit woman. They were talking for a few hours and the woman seemed really interested. The woman then came to the subject of smoking, drinking, swearing and lying, and that she disaproved of them. She told the man that she has never met another man that has told her the truth. The man, nowing that the woman is interested started to lie. He told her he had never smoked, drank or swore. Later that night the woman was so imperessed with the man, she took him home with her. After they had done there business the man reached over to his jeans, which were on the floor beside the bed. he was looking throught his pockets, but didnt seem to be finding what he wanted. The woman then asked him what was the matter. He turn around, looked at her and said, F**K i left my fags in the pub!!!!

Whats red,white,black and blue lying in a ditch? A redhead telling too many blonde jokes.

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, I have to go home or the wife will be mad.

(at this point he was loaded drunk)



He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said I cant walk and I didnt have that much to drink?.



He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I dont get home soon!



He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.



The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said you were out drinking again last night werent you!



The man replied with NO WAY!

And the wife said YOU LIAR!

The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night!