A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, You sure are mean when youre drunk, Superman.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?

My mother died in June, he said, and left me $10,000.

Gee, thats tough, he replied.

Then in July, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $50,000.

Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.

And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

Then this month, continued, the friend, nothing!

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks its a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove. So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here. The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. Anything else, he questions. The hippie replies, Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove. Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here! So the barkeep returns to the hippie. That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right? Yeah, the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove. The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie. You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, If you were my wife I would drink it.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.



Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.



The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.



When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!



On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?



Yeah, my wife…

Fancy company has a party and rents the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center. Late in the evening, somebody notices a wallflower standing by himself by an open window. He walks over. Guy: Hi! Keeping to yourself? Wallflower: Oh, hi. No, Im just examining the wind patterns here. I think I have them figured out. If I took a running jump out there, I believe that the updraft would lift me back up and eventually deliver me back here. Guy: Eh, can I get you a drink? Would you like to come back to the bar? Wallflower: No. Ive made the calculations, so I have to try it! Before the guy can stop him, the wallflower takes a running leap out of the 112th floor window. Guy gapes out, and sees wallflower hovering in the updraft, then slowly rising back up to be deposited in the window again. Wallflower: Ill take that drink now, if you dont mind. Guy: That was freakin amazing! Think I could do it? Wallflower: Sure. Just run at it quickly so you get about fifteen feet out, and youll be back here in no time. Guy slugs away at his bourbon, then launches himself out the window.
Several seconds go by before the inevitable, quiet splat. The bartender comes over, picks up the empty glasses, says: You wanna know something? You are one mean drunk, Superman…

why did the elephant where the diaper to the party?

cuz hes a party pooper!

A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. And leaves quickly!

The barkeep lisps, Whats wrong?

The country boy replies, You wouldnt believe what is going on in there.

What?

The country boy is shaking his head, Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM.

The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question.

The guy in the middle wouldnt have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?

I think he was. Why?

Hes lucky at cards too!

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, I found out my brother is gay.

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, I found out my other brother is gay.

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, I found out my other brother is gay.

The bartender says, Doesnt anyone like pussy anymore?

The guy says, Yeah, my sister.

This guy walks into the bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer, anything but Natural light.

Why not Natural Light the bartender says, you always drink Natural Light?

Not anymore, buddy, last night I got so Drunk on natural Light, I went home and blew chunks.

Well, the bartender says, everybody does that when they get that drunk, you know, that’s no big deal…

You don’t understand, buddy, Chunks is my dog!