A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

Sorry I cant serve you, states the barman.

Why not?! asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

Youre under 18, replies the barman.

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. Jack, heres a twenty-dollar bill, whispered the man, leaning over the bar, slip her some Spanish fly.

I dont have any Spanish fly, said the bartender, but a customer gave me some Jewish fly.

Jewish fly! exclaimed the man, what does THAT do?

I dont know, answered the bartender. Why dont we try it and find out?

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.

You attract me, she purred. Id like to do something with you tonight.

Honey, Ill do anything you want, gasped the man.

Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdales!

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or…!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or…!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

Where have you been? asks his wife.

In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

Do you have golden chairs?

Yes.

Do you have golden glasses?

Yes.

Do you have golden beer?

Yes.

Do you have a golden urinal?

Hold on.

On the other end, she hears I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.

A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk. He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path. A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street. The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away. The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road. The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officers amazement – the guy was stone cold sober.

I cant belive it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???

Oh thats easy, replies the man.

Tonight Im the designated decoy.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, Ill have a beer, and turns to the ostrich.



Whats yours?



Ill have a beer too says the ostrich.



The bartender pours the beer and says, That will be $3.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, Ill have a beer, and the ostrich says, Ill have the same. Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.



This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. The usual? asks the bartender.



Well, its close to last call, so Ill have a large scotch, says the man.



Same for me, says the ostrich.



That will be $7.20 says the bartender.



Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.



The bartender cant hold back his curiosity any longer. Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?



Well, says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.



Thats brilliant! says the bartender. Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!



Thats right! Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, says the man.



The bartender asks, One other thing, sir, whats with the ostrich?



The man replies My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice Id like to try the bet

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter or what?

The man replied I work for the IRS.

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

Easy, says the man.

Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window.

Wow, says the man at the bar.

I gotta try this.

He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

Geez, Superman, says the bartender.

You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, Ill have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.

The bartender says, Sorry, we dont allow animals in here. The dog replies, Hey, Im tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.



The bartender says, Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!



No, no, no, this isnt a trick, I promise you, says the man, I tell you what, Ill go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.



The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. Now, can I have my drink. says the dog.



The bartender is amazed. Sure you can and its on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. Itll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Heres ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.



Okay. says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.



Ten minutes go by and the dog doesnt come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, Rover! What are you doing! Youve never done this before!



The dog shrugged. Hell, Ive never had any money before.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a fish tank full of cash in 100s. He walks up to the bartender and asks how he would be able to get that money. The bartender says well, I have three things for you to do for me. First, theres a guy in a green hat thats been sitting inside my bar and causing trouble, i want you to go out and beat him up and throw him in the back dumpster. Second, theres a dog next to the dumpster that has a sore tooth and has been yelping for help all day, I need you to take care of it. Third, my mom is upstairs in the bedroom. She hasnt had had much attention in a while (if you know what I mean), so Id like for you to help her out on that.

The man agreed.

First, he takes care of the guy in the green hat inside of the bar and takes him outside and tosses him in the dumpster. Meanwhile, inside, the bartender is listening to whats going on outside and hears a whole bunch of yelling and screaming from the dog for a long time. The man comes running back into the bar, completely out of breath and says Allright, now wheres the woman with the sore tooth?!