While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

Say, honey-baby … Id really like tget into those pants oyours.

Thanks, she shot back, but Ive already got an asshole in there.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

[Ed: Apparently Gene Spafford first posted this in early 1984]

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and
tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the
days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts–not the current situation, where the Wild West
means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at
the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up
fights and didnt skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he
(Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: If you
ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save
what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of
town as fast as you can.

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was
told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills
and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the
most dangerous guy theyd ever heard of and few had ever encountered
him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then
promptly forgot all about it.

Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at
full speed, yelling, Martins coming! Head for the hills! The result
was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses
and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy
because he didnt believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just
put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and
waited.

He didnt wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred
looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride
down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had
ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off
the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees)
and bellowed, Wait here til I get back! The fellow turned and walked
up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions
on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly,
hollering, You pussycats stay here til Im done! The cats fearfully
sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he
passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle
of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor
Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy
looked down over the bar and roared, What the hell do you think youre
looking at!?

Fred managed to say, N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another
bottle of Red Eye?

To which the fellow replied, Hell no! I dont have time! I gotta get
out of here–Mad Martins coming!

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THATS a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night youre beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. Im not drunk youre just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You dont recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. Youve fallen and cant get up.

20. The shrubberys drunk too, from frequent watering.

An Irishmans been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.



He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.



He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.



He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!!



What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look.



The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.

This is better told than read…

A bear walks into a bar and sits down.

Bartender says, What can I get you?

The bear says

Ill have a ……………………………
……………………………. Beer.

Bartender says, Whats with the paws?

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Senior, I would like the
worlds best beer, a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the
shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says Id like the best beer in the world, give
me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser. The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors. He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says Give me a Coke. The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you
drinking a Guinness? and the Guinness president replies Well, if you
guys arent drinking beer, neither will I.

A business man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a
double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks
inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another
double martini.

After he finishes the second one, he again peeks inside his shirt
pocket, and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The same pattern is repeated a few rounds; the business man drinks a
double martini on the rocks, peeks inside his shirt pocket, and orders
another one.

Finally, the bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring you martinis all
night long, no problem with that. But you just gotta tell me why you
look inside your shirt pocket every time before you order a refill!

The man replies, Oh, Im just peeking at a photo of my wife. When she
starts to look good, then I know its time for me to go home.

A regular at Bobs Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

Whoa, Sam! said the bartender. Who gave those beauties to you?

Nobody gave them to me, said Sam. I had to fight like crazy for both of them.