A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked Are we over the border yet?

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. Do you serve lawyers in here?, the man inquires.



Sure do!, replied the bartender.



Great!, the man said. Ill have a Coors Light, and how bout a lawyer for my gator.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?
I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.
Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
Why did you do that?
Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license. The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em.

A brunette walks into a bar and says, Gimme an ML. The bartender says, Whats an ML? She says, A Miller Light.

Another Brunette walks in and says, Gimme a BL. The bartender says, Whats a BL? She says, Bud Light.

A dumb blonde walks in and says, Gimme a 15. The bar tender says, Whats a fifteen? She says, 7&7, duh!

Heres one I made up while in the sixth grade. Its a sixth-grade joke, but no worse than the one just read! A drunk was sitting in his car in the parking lot outside a bar, yelling: Help! Poleesh! Ive been robbed! The cop on the beat came to him & said, Whats wrong?

The drunk said, Look for yourshelf! They took my shteering wheel, my inshtrument panel; they even took my pedalsh! The policeman said, No problem; everythings right up here in the front seat!

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, That was a karate chop from Korea.

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,That was a karate chop from China.

The little guy got up and decided he wasnt going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and hes on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitred there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, Whatll it be?

The man replies, Give me a Stoli with a twist.

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, Once upon time were three little pigs…

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what Ive got.”

The bartender says, “Whatve you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”