A guy walks into a bar and says to bartender give four shots of your best scotch right now. The bartender pours them up and sets them in front of the man. The man slams back all four of them one right after the other.

Bartender says man you must be in a hurry



The man says you would be to if you had only twenty-five cents.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldnt quite remember the address to the house. Im sure this is the one," said the driver. Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD. Replied one of the others, Ill go knock on the door, and check. If its the wrong house, at least Ill get to a toilet!

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard. So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured hed just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he cant find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a strangers house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they dont believe me! So YOURE the guy! The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesnt need any trouble here.

The guy says, You dont understand. Im very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.



The bartender says Prove it.



The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. Thats incredible, says the bartender… I would never have believed it!



Yeah, said the guy, I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the mens room? The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesnt return.



Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the mens room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.



Oh my god! said the bartender. Did they rob you? Are you hurt?



The guy turns and says: No, Im ok. Im just waiting for a fax.

Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools. The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says, May I halp you?

The first responds with, I would like … a blood.

The bartender turns to the second and says, May I help you?

The second thinks for a short time and says, I would like … a blood.

The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, May I help you?

The third looks at him and says, I would like … a plasma.

The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, Give me two bloods and a blood light.

2 aliens was sitting In a bar.Then the one whent shabagoemdallada and the uther one goes shut up BOB your drunk!!

This guy goes into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, T.G.I.F!! A woman next to him, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, S.P.I.T.!!The guy orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts T.G.I.F.!! The woman next to him orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts S.P.I.T.!!! This goes on for quite a while and finally the bartender says to the guy, Why do you shout T.G.I.F? What does that mean?The guy answers, Thank God its Friday!!The bartender nods. Then he asks the woman, Why do you shout S.P.I.T.??The woman answers, Stupid prick, its Thursday!!

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. "Sure," said the drunk man. "Ill find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging."Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

Whats the difference between men and beer? When youre done with the beer its still worth 5 cents.

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, Wheres the bathroom? The bartender points to the door and they rush in.



Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, Wheres the bathroom? The bartender points to the door and they rush in.



One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is? says the bartender.



No thanks, the piggy slurs, I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!