A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.” So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.” The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what Ive got.” The bartender says, “Whatve you got?” The guy says, “75 cents.”

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

After sitting down, ordering, and chitchat the Priest says Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?

He then realizes the truth I think were in a gay bar.

A man approaches and is trying to flirt with the priest.

The priest is dumbfounded, and doesnt know what to do.

The Rabbi leans over and whispers something in the mans ear.

The man walks off.

The Priest says Thanks, but what did you tell him.

The Rabbi replies I just told him were on our honeymoon.

Theres a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand seeing a man crying.

No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and Im late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

This equipment must be broken, exclaimed the policeman.

I doubt it, said the man. Tonight Im the designated decoy.

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.

He looks her up and down and says, Well sure, but it doesnt appear by the your appearance that youll be able to pay for it.

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what shes got, Will this do? she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, Ya got anything smaller?

A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall. It says Ask about our special challenge.

He asks the bartender what its all about.

The bartender says points to two large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling about three and a bit yards up and says If you can jump up and touch those pieces of meat then you can drink in this bar free for a year.

However if you dont manage to reach them then you have to buy everyone here two rounds each.

The guy thinks about it and muses it over.

He looks at the meat then at the barman then at the meat then looks at the barman and says Nah, pal. The steaks are too high.

(Its an oldie, but a goodie.)

There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to
the bartender and said, Bartender, are you a bettin man?

The bartender replied, Certainly! Im ALWAYS a bettin
man! To which the man said, Ill bet you $50 that I can
lick my right eye.

The bartender thought about this a while
and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled
out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned
and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave
his bar.

A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went
up to the bartender and said, Bartender, are you still a bettin
man? The bartender replied, Certainly! I told you Im ALWAYS
a bettin man! To which the man said, Ill bet you $100 that
I can bite my left eye.

Well, the bartender thought he had
him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes
so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled
out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender
moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his
bar.

A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again.
He went up to the bartender and said, Bartender, are you still
a bettin man? The bartender said, although with a little
caution this time, Certainly! I told you Im ALWAYS a bettin
man! To which the man said, Give me a shot of whiskey.
The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming
the glass on the bar he said, Ill bet you $500 that you can
spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass
right where it lays and not miss a drop.

Well, the bartenders
eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he
would win! Agreed! he cried. Coming out from around the bar,
he grabbed onto the mans bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.

Well, the man just let loose and piss flew EVERYPLACE! Not so
much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender
was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and
laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and
gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping
off his face, he asked the man, Why did you bet me $500 that you could
piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there
wasnt any possible way to do it??

The man just smiled and told him,
You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the
corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar
and you would just laugh!

Ed Nieters
Purdue University

Theres this woman whos in a bar and she walks up to the bartender. He has a beard, and she starts running her fingers through it and eventually sticks a couple of fingers in his mouth.
She asks him if hes the manager, and he says no; so she says: could you tell the manger that theres no handsoap or toilet paper in the ladies room?

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said Darn! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?

Yeah, my wife…

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?

The cabbie says, Sure.

So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.