A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, You know, Im not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?

The big guy nods slowly. Hes obviously fielded this question many times.

One day, he begins, I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have 3 wishes.

I looked down at my scrawny 115-pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream. She nodded, lay down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?

I looked at her and replied, How about a little head?

Women goes into a bar with a duck under her arm.

Bartenders says whatll the pig have.

The woman says, thats not a pig, thats a duck!.

I know says the bartender, I was talking to the duck.

Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lornes penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

Wow, Gary said.

Ive never seen one like that before.

Like what?

Lorne said.

All twisted like a corkscrew, Gary said.

Well, whats yours like?

Lorne said.

Straight, like normal, Gary said.

I thought mine was normal until I saw yours, Lorne said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

What did you do that for?

asked Lorne.

Shaking off the excess drops, replied Gary.

Like normal.

Cripes, Lorne said.

And all these years Ive been wringing it.

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, May I buy you a drink?

Okay, she said, but it wont do you any good.

A little later, he asks, May I buy you another drink?

Okay, she said again, but it wont do you any good.

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, Okay, but you know it wont do you any good.

They get to his apartment and he says, You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.

Oh, well thats different….

she says.

Send her in!

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know its time to go home.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.



The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.



The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.



The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?.



The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, Man! How many bars do you work at?

Paddy OShea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale Irish pub.

Amazin, just amazin, thats what America is, he said, looking with delight into his glass.

Never have I been seein an ice cube with a hole in it!

Oi sure have, said his host, Michael Sullivan.

Bin married to one fer fifteen years.

A pony walks into a bar and says Bartender, may I have a drink?

Bartender says What? I cant hear you. Speak up!

May I please have a drink?

What? You have to speak up!

Could I please have a drink?

Now listen, if you dont speak up I will not serve you.

Im sorry, Im just a little hoarse.

One night, a man comes home slightly drunk and his wife (who is suspecting
hes cheating on her) questions his whereabouts…

Wife: Where were you??

Man: I was at this new bar called the Golden Bar. Everything is golden

Wife: Sure you were. Theres no such place!

Man: There is! They have huge golden doors, a golden floors, and even
golden urinals!

Wife: Oh, I BELEIVE you 100%

So, the next day the wife looks through the phone book for this golden bar.
Shes surprised when she finds a Golden Bar located across town. She decides
to call up and check this out for herself…

Wife: Is this the Golden Bar?

Bartender: Yes it is..

Wife: Do you have huge golden doors?

Bartender: Yes we do…

Wife: Do you have golden floors??

Bartender: We have them, too…

Wife: What about golden urinals?

Bartender (speaking away from phone): Hey Max, I think we have a lead on
the guy that fouled your alto-sax.

Tony Marasco