BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got alife sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Martstore. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned hispetty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than threeyears ago, Floridas repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for lifewithout the possibility of parole.INSULT TO INJURY An unemployed sanitationworker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for shooting himself in the privates. Ina drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun wentoff, and the bullet struck the man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someoneelse had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in hisunderwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealedweapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentencefor those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violentcareer criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. Themans public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the mans injury ispunishment enough.HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE? A luckless thief pleadedguilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. Thethief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked himto go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took thedollar, went inside the store… and called the police.OOPS! OF THE WEEK A thief in Myrtle Beach,South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if youre going to steal restaurantequipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owners grandchildren before settingthe stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovannis Pizzeria inCalabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery.A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant –where cops found pictures of Ubbings grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. Theowner of the second restaurant was arrested.I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA! During a high schoolbreak-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classroomsand amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When theycouldnt figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasnt loadedand left it behind. The men apparently didnt realize theyd been fooling around with adigital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded thesnapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. Thesuspects were quickly arrested.I THOUGHT THISD BE THE LAST PLACE THEYDLOOK…! A Nevada fugitive wanted onfraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for ajob… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the mans fugitive statusduring a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility testsbefore being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise ofgetting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.AND FINALLY… Admitting his 0-4 record isnot impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dogfor the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his firstowner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier,drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an expresstrain, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner wont be told of Luckys record — the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do somethingsilly."

Pat goes into the bar on a crutch,his arm in a sling and bandages all over his head.

The bartender says: My God Pat,what the hell happened to you?

Pat says: I got in a brouhaha with Riley.

The bartender says: But Rileys just a wee man and youre full grown. He must of had something in his hand.

Pat says: That he did, a shovel.

The bartender says: My God man, didnt you have anything in your hand?

Pat says: That I did. The breast of Mrs. Riley. Beautiful thing it was but not much use in a fight.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a beer. At this point the bartender leaves to take care of some business in the back. As he is about to take his first sip someone says,

Hey thats a great coat!

He turns around and to his surprise no one is there. He shrugs it off as nothing and goes back to his beer.

You look great did you get a haircut?! Again someone exclaims.

He turns around, and again; No one.

He goes back to his beer when someone again shouts.

Those shoes go great with that great coat!

At this point the man is just about at his wits end, when the bartender comes out.

Excuse me barkeep the man replies Someone keeps speaking to me, but everytime I turn around no one is there.

The bartender replies back at the bewildered man. Oh thats just the peanuts… Theyre complimentry

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says Do you know your monkey stole my beer. The pianist replies No, but if you hum it, Ill play it.

1. Youd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, Step right up and give it whirl! 8. All day long your motto is, Never again.

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!

It was closing time at the local sports-oriented pub and the only people left there were the bar keep, a drunk, and a gorilla standing in the corner. The barkeep looks at the drunk and said, Wanna see something neat?

He whistled to the gorilla, the gorilla came over and stood in front of the bar keep. The barkeep lightly tapped the gorrilla on the head with a small plastic bat he kept behind the bar, immediately the gorrilla dropped to his knees and gave the man a blow job.

When he was done, the barkeep looked at the drunk and said, Wanna try it?

The drunk said, Sure, just dont hit me too hard with the bat!

A guy walks into a bar and hears this voice say,
Hey, youre a pretty good-looking guy.

Upon, further investigation, he realizes that the voice is coming from a bowl of nuts.

So he asks the barman, Whats this?

The bartender replies, Theyre complimentary peanuts.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living? I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling. Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. Why did you do that? Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license. The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season, says the truck driver. Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em.

So, this guy walks into a bar and tries without success to hit on several women. The bartender, who has been observing his lack of success, tells him Your problem is that you dont have the right profession to impress these ladies. What you need to do is tell them that you have an upscale job, like a doctor or c.p.a. or lawyer. Thats the kind of guy these women are looking for.

The guy takes his advice: … and what do you do for a living?

Oh, well, Im a lawyer.

OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh

And with the typical quickness of action that you find in jokes, the guy soon ends up in bed with his newfound lady friend. As their activity intensifies, our hero suddenly bursts out in laughter.

What, what, I dont understand. Whats so funny. she asked.

I was just thinking. Here Ive only been a lawyer for 3 hours, and already Im screwing someone.

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. Whatll it be? the bartender says.

The duck says, I think Ill have the grapes. Well, Im sorry sir, but this is a bar, we dont serve grapes here. Now, Ill let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. Ok, you got your order? The duck nods, saying, Ill think Ill have the grapes.

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, Look Mac, we dont have any grapes here. This is a bar. We dont serve grapes, so what will you have?!

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, Ill have the grapes.

The bartender, enraged, shouts, If you ask for the grapes one more time Im going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!

The bartender cools off a bit. Now what will you get?! Got any nails? OF COURSE WE DONT HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?

Good, got any grapes?