A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
You, sir, are drunk!
And you maam, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!

A regular at Bobs Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

Whoa, Sam! said the bartender. Who gave those beauties to you?

Nobody gave them to me, said Sam. I had to fight like crazy for both of them!

Funny Bumper Stickers:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but youre still an idiot.

* Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.

* Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

* Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Keep honking…Im reloading

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, Im very sorry officer, I didnt realize it was out, Ill get it fixed right away.

Just then Jessica said, I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.

So the officer asked for Johns license and after looking at it said, Sir your license has expired.

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didnt realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, Jessica, will you shut up!

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. Does your husband always talk to you like that?

Jessica replied, only when hes drunk.

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your pants tonight.

My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

I got in a tiff with Riley.

Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said, surprised. He must have had something in his hand.

That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.

Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?

Aye, that I did – Mrs. Rileys tit. Kelly said. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, Hey, Ill bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, YOURE ON!
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. WOW, screamed the 2nd guy, That was incredible. Do it again!
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

Ok, said the first guy, But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. Your turn, he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, You sure are mean when youre drunk, Superman!

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night
when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put
all your dough in a bag!”
“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep.
“I’ll do whatever you say!”
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and
hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts
the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All
right, now give me a blow job!”
“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just
don’t shoot!”
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing
the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited
he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and
hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun,
dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might
walk in!”

A young man walks up and sits at the bar. What can I get you? the bartender inquires.



I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, responded the young man.



6 shots! Are you celebrating something?



Yeah, my first blow job.



Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.



No offense, sir. But if 6 shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.