What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About five drinks.

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads $2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details. Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.

You have to do three things and its all yours, the bartender says.



Just three things? the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. What are the three things?



Well, the bartender says, first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, Ive got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs.



No problem, the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, Hey pal your shoelace is untied. When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.



Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room–it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.



After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.



Okay, he says, wheres the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??

this guy walked into a lounge, and this was one of those type of guys thats bold and rude and will say about anything to a woman, you know the type, and he noticed this attractive lady siting by her self. the guy walks over and sits down beside her and says, you know baby, i would kinda like to get in your pants. unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the guy and says, I already have one asshole in my pants, why would I need another one?

A man walks up to the bartender and says, I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and leak into a jar without spilling a drop.

The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, hell take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to leak.

He not only misses the jar, but doesnt even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.

The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, I just bet my friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a Panda! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

The first little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

The third little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the Bar man said I suppose you want to use the toilet, but the third little pig said No, Im the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The bartender yells at him, You cant bring that animal in here!

The man says, This isnt just any old alligator, he knows tricks. Ill show you. He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, then says, This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time.

So, the bartender says 47 seconds. The man says, OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go! The alligator opens its mouth wide, while the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, Im gonna lay my dick in his mouth. But, just for safetys sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on. The man does so, and when the bartender starts saying 45…46…47.., right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligators mouth snaps shut.

Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try? And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far.

One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, You there!! Youre a real man! Youre brave enough to try this??!

To which the other man says, Yeth, but I dont think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds.

A guy and a girl met at a bar.

Theyre getting along so well that they decide to go to the girls place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says, You must be a dentist!.

The guy all surprised says, Yes, how did you figure that out ?.

The girl says, Easy, you keep washing your hands.

One thing led to another.

They make love.

After they were done, the girl says, You must be a GREAT dentist!.

The guy was very very surprised, he says, Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??

The girl says, Easy, I didnt feel a thing!

A small balding man stormed into a local bar one evening and demanded, Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! Im so pissed off I cant even see straight! The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.



The man swilled down the drink and demanded, Gimme another ONE! The bartender pours the drink, but said, Now, before I give you this, why dont you let off a little steam and tell me WHY youre so upset?



So the man begins his tale: Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighbourhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady cant make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door.



Well, the woman says, Oh my god, its my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match today, hes gonna be REAL MAD! He wont believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!



So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didnt hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured hes bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDNT see me.



The bartender says Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point.



Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, Tell me, who you been seeing now?



The girl said, Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down. Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. Im thinking, Boy, Im glad I didnt hide in there. Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didnt hide under there either.



Then I heard him say, Whats that over there by the WINDOW? I think Oh boy, Im dead meat now. But the woman by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking.



Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe hes gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!



The bartender said, Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE. No, the customer replied, that didnt really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. Theyre a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass.



The bartender looks at the guys hands and agreed, Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET.



No, that WASNT what really pissed me off. The bartender then asked in exasperation, Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?



Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!!!

Bill walks into a bar. He sits down. He takes out a little tiny man and sits him on the bar. Takes out a little tiny piano. Sets it on the bar. The little tiny man starts playing the little tiny piano.Bob, who is sitting next to Bill, looks at him and says, Holy crap. Whered you get that? Bill replies, Well, I wished for it. Out back, behind the bar, theres a lamp with a genie in it. I rubbed it and he granted me a wish…So Bob goes out behind the bar and sure enough, he finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says that hell grant him one wish. I wish for a million bucks! Bob said. So the sky parts and a million ducks fall out. Bob walks back into the bar and sits back down next to Bill. What the hell? I asked for a million bucks and I got a million DUCKS! Bob said frustrated. Bill looks at Bob and nods. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?