A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks, Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?

Dont miss me, mister.

Well then, you better make it 13.

A traveling salesman walks into a bar and sees a farmer. Can you give
me a place to spend the night? he asks.

You can sleep in the barn, says the farmer, but whatever you do, dont
disturb my chicken.

The salesman thanks him and pulls a duck out of his pocket, which immediately
sits down and starts playing the piano.

We dont allow any farm animals in here, says the bartender.

Do you have any matches? asks the salesman.
Sure, says the bartender.

Good, says the salesman, now I can find the Mac truck and drive out.

Doing so, the salesman takes the farmer home, and goes to the barn. Once
there he sees this nest full of rice, which, for no good reason, he proceeds
to eat. The next day, he sees the farmers daughter (who is naturally stark
naked), and compliments her on the rice.

Oh that wasnt rice, says the naked farm girl. My fathers chicken died
two weeks ago. Those were maggots. Would you like some hot buttered corn?

No, says the salesman, But Id like some of those cheerios youre eating.

Oh, these arent Cheerios, says the farm girl, These are…

Never mind! says the salesman, and begins to leave.

Where are you going? says the farmgirl.

Im going to get to the other side, says the salesman.

Careful, says the farm girl. Thats how our chicken died. Please stay
and have some mung!

Whats mung? asks the salesman.

Its a long story, she replies.

– Franz Kafka

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering
who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is
busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his
brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesnt have
time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum
in an alley. He asks the bum, Whos Jesus Christ? and the bum
replies, Well, I am. The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof.
So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him
inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, Jesus
Christ, are you in here again?

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.

Well, Sean replied, between you and me we got em all.

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.

The bartender replies I dont think you want to do that.

What do you mean? yells the polish guy, Send her the drink!

O.K. the bartender replies, but I dont think it is a good idea.

And why not? asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says because shes a lesbian.

I dont care, send her the drink. says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, so what part of Lesbia are you from?

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey, man, Im a panda! Look it
up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda,
A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and
white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, We dont serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.



The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.



The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, We dont serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.



The bear, very angry now, says, If you dont serve me a beer, Im going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.



The bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings. The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.



He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, Sorry, we dont serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs.



The bear says, Im not on drugs.



The bartender says, You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, thats a really fancy watch.” “Thanks, says the guy, “Its the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and itll answer me, telepathically.” “Rubbish, youre having me on,” says the girl. “No, its true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, Ill prove it. Ill ask it if youve got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you havent got any panties on.” “Well, its wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.” ”Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “its an hour fast!”

This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.



The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons 46!! Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out 39!! Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts 14!! Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.



The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender What is going on?



The bartender says This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full



The visitor is astounded Let me try!! he says- So he shouts 46!! Nothing happens 39!! Still nothing. 14!! and yet still not a sound from the patrons.



The visitor says to the bartender I dont understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.



The bartender replied, Well, some folks can tell a joke……. and some folks cant

A grasshopper jumps into a sleazy little bar, makes his way onto a stool and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says Hey, we got a drink named after you! The grasshopper smiles surprisedly, and says You really got a drink named Bob???

Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.

Moe looked over and pointed out, But youre holding yours with four fingers.

I know, said Joe with a sigh, but Im peeing on three of them.

Best friends, Vinnie and Hank, are in their local bar, having a few drinks. Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hanks beard. Vinnie says, Your face feels just like my wifes pussy.

Hank strokes it himself and says, Ya, youre right!