This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing its a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says Wanna play football

The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.

So the man says Im goin for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that.

The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.

One guy asks the other, Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?

The second guy says, No, but Ive woken up with plenty.

A Koala walks into a bar.

A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, hey hairy, want a date?

The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.

The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker.

Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses.

Hey, says the hooker, dont you know the definition of a hooker?

And the Koala says, No, sorry, I dont.

And the hooker says, its someone who has sex for money.

And the Koala says, Well I guess you dont know the definition of a Koala.

Whats that? asks the hooker.

An animal that eats bushes and leaves.

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldnt walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasnt coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

Are you Mr. Johnson? the asked? He admitted that he was.

Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence? Again, the man admitted that was he.

And what did you do then, the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

Where is your car now? the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

May we see the car? asked the troopers. The man answered, Sure, and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!

Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!



The bartender does nothing.



So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.



Jesus! He just jumped again!



The bartender ignores the man.



So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.



How did you survive that jump?..I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float.



So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and…SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!



The Bartender then says, You know, Superman…you can be a real jerk when youre drunk.

Well, a stranger walks into a Nova Scotia bar and says to the bartender: Hey, you wanna hear a great Newfie joke?

The bartender snarls, stands up straight exposing his arms he uses for bouncing obstreperous customers and says, Wait a minute. Im a Newfie.

And see that fellow over there by the jukebox with the chains? He works down at the ways and drags the boats up by hand. Hes a Newfie.

And that guy in the leather jacket with him, he repairs boat engines and hes a Newfie too. Now, do you still want to tell a Newfie joke?

The visitor looks around at the other men and shakes his head, Naw, I dont want to have to explain it three times.

An Alien walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and pokes him in the shoulder, all the while making a noise like Meeeeeeep. The bartender looks at him and is really weirded out.



He turns around and the alien pokes him in the shoulder again and says Meeeeeeep The bartender is really pissed now and says to the Alien, Dude, next time you do that, Im gonna take you outside and rip your dick off!



The alien obiously doesnt understand and pokes the bartender again and says Meeeeeeeep. The bartender is so pissed, that he picks him up by the collar of his space suit and draggs him outside to the empty lot and jerks down the Aliens pants.



But, the Alien doesnt have human anatomy and has nothing there to rip off. The bartender is so surprised that he asks, Well, if you dont have a dick, how do you have sex? The alien just looks at him, pokes him in the shoulder and says Meeeeeeep

A man is in a bar, and he notices that the bartender has a cat. He goes up to the bartender and says, Ill bet you $50 my dick is longer than that cats tail.

The bartender gives him a look as though hes crazy and accepts the bet. They measure the cats tail, and its 14 inches.

The man then drops his pants, takes the yardstick and places one end between his legs and begins to measure.

What are you doing? asks the bartender.

Im measuring from the back of my ass just like you did for the cat.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes its a gay bar. But what the heck, he says, I really want a drink.



When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, Whats the name of your penis?



The customer says, Look, Im not into any of that. All I want is a drink.



The gay waiter says, Im sorry but I cant serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan, Just Do It. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because It really Satisfies.



The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, Hey bud, whats the name of your penis?



The man looks back and says with a smile, TIMEX.



The thirsty customer asks, Why Timex?



The fella proudly replies, Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!



A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, So, what do you call your penis?



The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, FORD, because Quality is Job 1. Then he adds, Have you driven a Ford, lately?



Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer.



The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, Why secret?



The customer says, Because its STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?

No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it.

Intrigued, the woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?

It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.

Whats it telling you now?, she asks.

Well, it says that youre not wearing any panties….

The woman giggles & replies, Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!

The man exclaims, Damn– this thing must be an hour fast